XFL To Require Players To Stand For Opening Mötley Crüe Song


STAMFORD, Conn. — Attempting to brand itself in opposition to the NFL and establish a culture of pride and respect right out of the gate, league commissioner Vince McMahon confirmed Friday that his newly revived XFL will require players to stand during the opening Mötley Crüe song, to be played before each game.

“It’s important to us that our players understand the pride and history that comes with those hallowed words ‘My heart, my heart, kickstart my heart,’” said McMahon.

“That song means something to people in this country,” the WWE owner continued, “and when it’s played in all its glory we will not kneel, but stand. Stand for every El Camino with 93 octane still pumping through its injectors. Stand for every jack-shack that aren’t going to let some bullshit liquor laws make ‘em stop selling booze at 2:00 a.m. And we sure as hell will be standing for Vince Neil and the boys, goddammit!”

While McMahon was not available to answer additional questions, he was later seen asking Jamarcus Russell how far he could throw a metal chair.

Alec Stein is the chief fake sports editor for The Whiskey Journal.

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