WOW, Check Out This TOTALLY AWESOME New Product That MOST DEFINITELY Did Not Pay Us To Write This

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We’ve all been there: One moment you’re totally fine, popular, happy, satisfied, engaged, amused or otherwise enjoying a general pleasant state of mind and then the next minute–you’re not!

Lucky for you, the founder of this service, product, or app knows exactly what you’re going through. Tired of watching his or her friends struggle with problems, situations, or mild discomfort, the founder of this thingie went to work. After years of research and hard work, he or she created the thing that we’re writing about to solve the exact problem that you, the reader, are experiencing, have experienced, or might experience at some point in your life! This person, company, or brand’s innovative approach to solving problems, enriching lives, or achieving some other vague good thing is going to change your approach to doing something that you almost definitely do, or might at some point do.

Quite frankly, it’s ingenious.

The thing that will shock you most about this incredible product, business, contrivance, or trinket is not its incredible user experience, its seamless integration of form & function, the incredibly good-albeit-ill-defined things it will do for your life, but its price. This ministration, amenity, commodity, or platform is either SO affordable that it has completely revolutionized whatever industry it’s part of; or it’s such an unbelievably sumptuous luxury that purchasing it will immediately make people perceive you as part of the most privileged class; or its price is exactly in the middle of the price range of its market; but no matter what, the value of this particular product-thing will shock, delight, excite, astonish, or traumatize you, because it is SUCH an extraordinary thing-product that it’s sort of unbelievable that it’s available at any price at all!

Wow.

In fact, this product, service, sturm-und-drang or thing is SO incredibly fantastic that we devoted an entire column to praising it on our financially solvent & very successful website. We believe it’s super important that our readers know what a positive impact the thing we’re writing about can have on their lives, and we’re definitely not writing about it for the positive impact that it can have on our company’s bottom line! In fact, we had three of our senior editors test-drive this product, service, conceit, elf or thing, and ALL THREE of them reported that they would be happy to say whatever the fuck the brand wants them to say about this product, phenomenon, tabernacle or thing, but definitely because that was their personal feeling, and definitely not because sponsored content is the only revenue stream keeping certain media outlets afloat.

Our three senior editors absolutely intend to keep using this product, joke, or thing for as long as the brand asks us to, and unrelatedly, they all regret getting degrees in journalism. They would be happy to write similar trend pieces about other products, brands, people, services, gossypols, PR-hungry totalitarian dictators, sea monsters or whatever, because also unrelatedly, they all have a lot of debt. Shoot us an email!

Gwen Lawson unrelatedly has a six-month supply of a certain thing that will be slyly mentioned in an upcoming article. 

Image by victor enciso.