GARY, Ind. — After a screening of Wonder Woman on Monday, local chauvinist Seth Tannen reported a total change of heart in his feelings toward women.
“I used to think that women were just around to listen to me and to look hot,” he told reporters, “but after seeing Wonder Woman, I realize that women are around to listen to me, look hot, and fight bad guys. It’s exciting to realize that there are so many different ways I can exploit and control women.”
The movie proved to be an eye-opening experience for Tannen, who now considers himself a changed man. “I never knew women could be so strong,” he marveled, “and simultaneously so hot.”
“Before I saw this movie, I’d use anonymous Twitter handles to bully women and say terrible, derogatory things about them if they didn’t conform to my very narrow standards of what it’s acceptable for women to look like,” he continued. “I can’t believe I used to do that. Now that I’ve seen such a moving, forceful portrayal of a female hero, though, I’m going to use anonymous Twitter handles to bully women who don’t conform to my new standards of what it’s acceptable for women to look like. This was a game-changer.”
Although Tannen feels positive about his change in perspective, it has not been without difficulty. “I’m a little ashamed of myself now,” he said, “because I used to undermine my girlfriend’s confidence by saying subtly shitty things like, ‘you should take some yoga classes,’ and ‘nutritionists says it’s bad to keep sweets in your house,’ and ‘I swear to God, Chelsea, if you eat a third piece of pizza, I will dump your lardass.’ Basically, I’d imply that she wasn’t skinny enough.”
But now, according to Tannen, his eyes have been opened and deeply regrets saying those things. “Chelsea left me, but if I could go back, I’d do it over by implying that she’s not strong enough instead,” he confirmed.
Tannen is eagerly awaiting the sequel. “I just think there’s more for me to learn,” he said, “about other eye-opening, exciting demands I can impose on the women around me.”
Gwen Lawson knows 67 Seths.