FULLERTON, Calif. – Local resident Kaylee Tanner, 26, drank from a bottle of water from 11:59 p.m. on December 31st until 12:01 a.m. on January 1st in order to avoid the possibility of having to kiss casual acquaintance Jordan Davies, 30.
During the New Year’s Eve Party the two were attending in a mutual friend’s apartment, Davies had made several “joking” remarks throughout the course of the evening referencing the tradition of kissing at midnight, the fact that it seemed like they were the only two single people at the party, and that he’d recently rewatched When Harry Met Sally. While Tanner was technically single at the time and would have desperately loved to be embraced at midnight by a man that kissed her like a soldier returning from the war, she also preferred that that man not be the person she knows as “the guy that Cindy used to work with that always smells like Chloraseptic.”
When Tanner realized that the countdown would be starting soon and that she and Davies were in dangerously close proximity, she set down her champagne glass and picked up the liter bottle of Voss ® Artisan Water (refilled from the tap) that she’d wisely carried with her throughout the evening. As the other partygoers began pairing up into couples, Davies and Tanner accidentally locked eyes and Tanner immediately turned and began chugging the tepid water while staring sideways at Ryan Seacrest’s botoxed rictus, again enacting its grim right.
Tanner realized that she would have to keep drinking until well after midnight for her tactic to be successful, so she began pacing her intake and maintained a steady rhythm until the clock finally reached one past. By that time Davies had mercifully taken out his phone to start texting his ex-girlfriend, and Turner, gasping, was able to drop the nearly empty bottle.
“You must’ve been thirsty,” Davies said without looking up from the screen.
“Um, yeah – I guess so,” said Turner, leaving briskly to go refill the heroic bottle.
Although she did not realize it at the time, Turner’s social avoidance tactic also helped her feel a little less miserable the next day. Always remember to hydrate, party people.
David Sharp is Senior Guy Lurking In The Corner of The Party Looking Sullen for The Whiskey Journal and will be toasting this New Year’s Eve with champagne mustard spread on Christmas ham.
Picture courtesy of v1ctor Casale.