Woman Placed On $20 Bill So Women Can Stop Nagging


WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Dept. of Treasury announced this week that anti-slavery activist Harriet Tubman will be featured on the $20 bill, so women can just shut up about it already.

The push for putting a woman on U.S. currency gained momentum over the last year with several leading female figures in American history being considered. The Treasury initially hoped that women would forget about the debate during spring fashion season, but the movement persisted much to the chagrin of Secretary of Treasury Jacob Lew.

“They’ve been nagging us for a while now,” said Lew. “So a woman hasn’t been on a bill since like 1800 or whatever when George’s wife was on a $1–who cares? That’s women for you. Always wanting to tell you who to put on your hard-earned money.”

Tubman, who is known for freeing slaves by way of the Underground Railroad as well as her incredible contributions to the Union army during the Civil War, will grace the $20, making her the first African-American woman on U.S. currency.

The Treasury hopes that this will “make literally everyone STFU.” Lew told the press that it really didn’t matter to him which woman was featured on the bill. “It could have been Adele for all I care. Who really gives a shit?”

Initially it was agreed that a woman would be featured on the $10, but popularity over Alexander Hamilton stemming from the hit musical Hamilton changed that plan. “We were going to replace Hamilton because who cares about that guy? But that gay musical had to make people interested in that asswipe, so my wife told me to make it the $20. $20 is more than $10, so women have no reason to complain.” Lew then added, “Hopefully no one writes a popular musical about Andrew Jackson. The last thing I need is a bunch of women yapping at me about money again.”

The White House issued a statement saying that they sincerely hope women can just be happy about this for once and stop bothering the government about being president.

Stephanie Weber barely understands what is going on with money because her feminine brain is so very small. 

Image by usatoday.

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Stephanie Weber is a good girl who also contributes to Reductress, Uproarier, and Above Average. She performs stand up comedy anywhere that will let her.