YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio — Upon realizing she had exhausted all other options, local 24-year-old Bridget Lowenhaupt enlisted in the U.S. Army for access to functional women’s clothes.
“I swear to God, I do not care how many sovereign nations I need to meddle in, I will wear an outfit with some goddamn utility,” said the recruit, rolling her eyes towards her false breast pocket.
Lowenhaupt begins basic training in three weeks at Fort Bragg, Calif., where she will receive what may be her first pair of pants with pockets of substantial depth. She told reporters that the biggest factor in her decision to enlist was the Army’s access to state of the art technology, such as Velcro strapped pouches. She plans to use their carrying capacity to the fullest extent.
“I’ve always dreamed of serving my country in practical clothes,” Lowenhaupt said. “I cannot wait to have my entire cell phone safely encased in my pants pocket. Why stop there? I could easily store the keys to a Humvee, a pair of binoculars, a tactical fucking baguette, who cares? The possibilities are endless. This is what I’m fighting for.”
Lowenhaupt told reporters that enlisting was her way of fighting civic complacency. She hopes that her countrywomen and men will follow her example.
“Men walk around with empty pockets all the time and it’s an affront to American democracy,” Lowenhaupt said. “They don’t appreciate the freedom that comes with functional pockets, the kind we girls would only dream of. Sometimes I’m not even sure what I would do with that many pockets. But thanks to the defense budget, I’m using the space for tools to maim, kill, and torture America’s enemies.”
At press time, Lowenhaupt was enraged to learn that standard issue dress for female soldiers includes camoflauge jeggings with mock pockets.
Patrick Reilly typed this with his hands in his big ass, luxurious pockets.
Image by wikimedia.