Woman Attempts To Breed Woolly Mammoths To Supplement Paleo Diet


SAN DIEGO, Calif. — A local woman has rented a biotechnology lab at UCSD with the ambitious goal of reviving woolly mammoths from extinction, sources have learned.

“I’m just really into the paleo diet right now,” said Sadie Calloway, 33, when reporters made inquiries about her motivation. “I’ve tried fad diets before but this is the real thing. I’ve lost weight, I have more energy, my skin looks fantastic. And this is just the next step in my commitment to this lifestyle.”

Friends and family confirmed her statements.

Longtime friend Rachel Myers reported: “Sadie got really into the paleo diet two years ago. At first she just gave up refined sugar and grains, but when I pointed out that people in the Paleolithic era couldn’t possibly get the variety of foods she eats, she started gathering her own wild produce and hunting game. I reminded her that Paleolitic people didn’t have modern kitchens, and now she uses handmade stone tools over a fire pit in her backyard. I think she’s been evicted from, like, four apartments. Now, she’s cashed out her 401k to buy DNA extracted from a woolly mammoth jawbone. Honestly, at this point we’re all just watching to see how far she’ll take it.”

Sadie’s boyfriend Chuck Smolinsky stated that he supports Sadie’s choices, but expressed some ambivalence concerning the various inconveniences of the lifestyle.

“Some of it has been hard,” Smolinsky admitted. “For example, people in the Paleolithic era went through long periods of famine when things like floods or droughts happened. So Sadie doesn’t eat at times when our Paleo ancestors would have been fasting–pretty much every time there’s bad weather. Honestly, I’m hoping that she breeds this woolly mammoth fast, because she hasn’t eaten much of anything except cactus since the California drought began.”

“Look, if I’m going to do this, then I’m going to do it right,” Calloway said. “Modern agriculture is making us sick! And I’m eating the way that humans were designed to eat. Yes, it’s difficult to only consume what you yourself can hunt and gather. Yes, I miss the convenience of drinking tap water, because sometimes it’s a pain to have to find the nearest river or spring when you’re thirsty. And yes, I’ve gotten E. coli twice. Okay, a few more times than that. Six times, maybe. Seven.”

“But I’m never going to get heart disease,” Calloway added.

Calloway specifically chose mammoths for consumption due to their size and slow-moving nature. “I only eat meat that I can hunt and kill on my own. It’s a lot of work, so I want to hunt something big that I can eat for a while. Until then, I’ll have to keep hunting small game.”

When pressed for examples, she replied: “You know, small animals. Slow ones, honestly. Weak ones.” She then paused, eyeing a passerby’s handbag. “Excuse me, I’m very hungry. Are you going to eat that shih tzu?”

Gwen Lawson would never eat a woolly mammoth but would carry a miniature one around in a handbag.

Image by wikimedia/flickr.