Woke Parents Introduce Microaggression Jar


BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Saintly white liberals Marcus Brinkley and Taryn Kashian are enforcing a new standard of political correctness in their home, and they’re using a microaggression jar to punish their kids’ problematic behavior.

“Our children are taught at a young age about oppressive power structures and the toxic ideologies that justify them,” said Kashian. “You’d be surprised how quickly a child’s political consciousness can be elevated when it affects their allowance!”

The fines are on a sliding scale determined by the severity of the transgression, and usually followed by a lecture explaining the fraught history of many childhood games.

“It’s not always easy to explain to the kids why they have been fined, or why I interrupted their game of cowboys and Indians to explain the grievous history of US settler colonialism,” said Brinkley, “but after a while, I beamed while my eight-year old explained to their friends that they were playing on stolen Algonquin land.”

The couple collects the funds in the jar and after a month donates them to a new organization. In addition to their contributions to the jar, the two are also teaching their children to identify the most effective charities and separate them from those that are a part of a bloated nonprofit-industrial complex.

“We allow our children to watch one hour of television per day, followed by a family analysis of the power dynamics present in the narrative and tips on how to encourage greater media literacy among their classmates.”

For the parents, however, it is not enough to encourage sensitivity and critical thinking among their children; justice must be promoted through every day playtime practices.

“We have a rule that all Lego sculptures must credit at least one girl or friend of color for their design,” Brinkley said, “and we make sure to explain the history of scientific racism before letting the kids play with the beakers.”

The institution of the microaggression jar hasn’t gone entirely smoothly; some friends of the children don’t understand or even rail against the tax when it is imposed.

“One friend, Garrett, whose parents are, um, working class? He comes over and microagresses all over the house, and when we tell him about the jar, he just yells about ‘gubment encroachment,’ and spits on the floor.”

Brinkley mentions one unanticipated consequence with the microagression jar:  convincing his kids to complete their chores is now unbearably difficult.

“Every time I ask one of my children to clean up after dinner or clean the counter, they go on a tirade about how capitalism survives on the unpaid household labor of women and children.”

Patrick Reilly is one of the good whites.

Image by OTA Photos and andybrown373.