Winter Olympics Debut New ‘Smoking Outside In The Cold’ Event


PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA — The new Olympic sport of smoking outside in the cold will debut on Monday at the 23rd Winter Olympic Games in South Korea, one of the five new events added for this Olympiad.

“Outdoor Smoking will add a refreshing element of accessibility to the Winter Olympics that is long overdue,” said IOC spokesperson Denis Oswald. “Many viewers watch ice dancing or the ski jump but don’t feel a connection with the athletes. Outdoor Smoking is something most people have done and can imagine being good at.”

Domestically, competitive smoking outside in the cold has grown in popularity in the upper Midwest since the late 2000s, with various leagues popping up and even an annual championship tournament held in Buffalo, N.Y.

Athletes are judged on number of cigarettes smoked, length of time outside in the cold and style.

American hopeful Marge Lascinzki, 61, of Milwaukee is considered a favorite to medal but will have to beat out a slew of talented Latvian teenagers if she wants to take home gold.

“Ain’t nobody in the world is as experienced at standing completely motionless in the snow and tearing through a pack of Marlboros as me,” a confident Lascinski told reporters.

Cole Moser would medal at hanging out in the cold while waiting for somebody else to finish smoking.

Image by pjnelson.