White House Just A Few Resignations Away From Appointing Known Cannibal


WASHINGTON—White House sources have disclosed that as more positions rapidly continue to become available President Trump is giving serious consideration to hiring a senior staff person who openly speaks about eating human flesh.

Speaking on a condition of anonymity to avoid the risk of being fed to a potential future boss, sources said the President has met with the unnamed individual multiple times, is intrigued by the threat of cannibalism in his administration, and is considering the person for Chief of Staff or possibly national security advisor.

“We told the President this person is extremely deranged and dangerous, and he got really excited,” said one source. “Then he suggested there would be less leaks to the press if a cannibal managed the White House.”

Multiple sources also quoted Trump as saying someone has to be “very brave, and very strong” to eat people.

The potential staffer is confirmed as having been introduced to POTUS by his speechwriter and senior advisor Steven Miller. The two are reportedly longtime personal friends and who enjoy camping together.

While congressional Republicans are dismissing the claim, Tony Perkins, president of the evangelical Family Research Council, came to the President’s defense over the report.

“We believe in the sanctity of life and the president is an ally to help us end abortion in America once and for all,” said Perkins. “So, we give the President another mulligan if he happens to hire some rascal who chews and swallows other human beings.”

Within 45 minutes of initial report, the President made even more news when he announced plans to change TSA regulations and allow U.S. airline passengers to carry loaded guns on planes. He also tweeted shortly after that he would like to immediately pardon any women in prison who are “too hot for the slammer,” and said he plans to meet with Bashar al-Assad, because he said the genocidal Syrian leader reminds him of his son, Don Jr.

Andrew Voris is mostly gristle.

Image by wikimedia.

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Andrew Voris is a writer and stand-up comic who cries at Loretta Lynn songs. His background includes interning for the Illuminati, fish hunting, and painting paintings of George Bush painting. He’s also an ordained minister, and will perform wedding ceremonies for a small donation of $13,000.