CHICAGO — Local white guy and self-proclaimed good person Jake Nelson has decided to just grow his hair out for a few months and wait for this whole Nazi thing to blow over.
“Before the alt-right ruined this haircut, I normally got a trim once every three or four weeks,” Nelson said while trying on different hats. “So, as bad as Nazis are, I am saving a ton of money on haircuts.”
According to Nelson’s barber Dan Cooper, he has been sporting some variation of the high-and-tight look that is now adopted by the alt-right for around three years.
“A lot of people might think neo-Nazis and the alt-right don’t really have a negative effect on normal white people’s lives,” said Cooper. “But I dare you to say one of the thousands of young men affected by the alt-right ruining the best haircut white men have ever had.”
At press time, Nelson and a group of other white men devastated about having to change their haircut began to gather outside a local barber shop in protest, only to quickly disband the protest after being mistaken for neo-Nazis.
Kyle Scanlan is just gonna wear a hat.