POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. – Hundreds of white girls gathered in a pumpkin patch in upstate New York last weekend to honor the invention of fall, the approximately three month season between August and December in the Gregorian calendar.
“It’s hard to imagine that just 30 years ago there was a void between summer and winter,” said Rachel Horvald, spokeswoman for the event. While banging an ear of Indian corn on a decorative gourd she exclaimed “We are here to honor those pioneering white girls who created this season all those years ago!”
Though not well-documented at the time, the invention of fall did take place in 1982 on a rustic horse farm in the Hudson Valley region of upstate New York. The new season was deemed unnecessary by critics but in recent years has been a massive boon for the retail clothing and pumpkin-spiced beverage industries. Event organizers credit the trailblazing Jennifers and Jessicas of 30 years ago with making a season where white girls could obscure their bodies in endless layers of comfortable plaid, take brisk walks and eat foods with cinnamon.
The formal ceremony reportedly lasted 14 hours and included a slideshow of J. Crew catalogs from the past 30 years and a hayride at dusk. Annoyed boyfriends were spotted on the fringes halfheartedly picking apples and checking their phones for football scores. The midnight finale culminated with the girls circling a bonfire and chanting “wool sweaters, wool sweaters!”
“Fall makes it acceptable to spend $400 on leather boots and not shave our legs,” said Aubrey Delahunt, 25, of Oxford, Ohio. “30 years ago women could only have dreamed of that.”
The sentiment was echoed by Lauren Flagher, 29, of Milwaukee. “I love fall because I have 112 scarves,” she said. “I love scarves more than I love my 3-year-old son.”
“Fall marks the time when I can finally stop worrying about my stomach or tan lines,” said Claire Minton, 27, of White Plains, NY. “I know that beach season is over so I can stay inside and eat hearty soups and watch House Hunters.”
This year also marks the 30th consecutive year that autumn has drawn significant criticism from white guys.
“Every fall we have to scramble to find excuses to not go to a damn pumpkin patch or a corn maze,” said Brian Hoffner, 28, of Minneapolis. “It’s fucking exhausting.”
“I’d rather go ahead and marry the girl than spend a Saturday at an apple orchard with her,” said Chad Vinitieri, 24, of Chicago. “Fall is the absolute worst time of the year.”
“I mothercunting despise hot chocolate,” added Ryan Giddens, 31, of Philadelphia.
White girls reportedly plan on enjoying fall until the season draws to a close, marked every year by a Saturday in early December spent ice skating with their disinterested boyfriend Matt or Mark.
Cole Moser is Senior Apple Orchard Dodger for The Whiskey Journal.