Wheat Supremacists Torch Gluten-Free Bakery

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PORTLAND, Ore. — On Tuesday night a roving gang of wheat supremacists, clad in rye hoods, set fire to a gluten-free bakery in Portland’s Hawthorne District, according to a report from Am-yeasty International.

“God intended for pastries to be made with wheat,” said the group’s leader Davey Dukes on his website, WheatPower.net. “What these people are selling is an abomination.”

The group accepted responsibility for the incident, but local officials had already recognized their calling card, a giant burning rolling pin staked in front of the store.

Sources say the wheat supremacist movement has gained traction in recent years, particularly in the Pacific Northwest, where wheat is rapidly becoming a minority ingredient.

“Wheat was the dominant ingredient in American kitchens for centuries,” said Justin Turner, a professor of Gluten-American studies at the Chicago Culinary Institute. “So the rise of minority bread leveaners was bound to create tension.”

“God knows what would happen if we ever elected a gluten-free president,” said Turner. “Chaos would reign.”

John Clark is a reluctant member of the wheat supremacist movement.

Image courtesy of mitchellroth.