NEW YORK — According to sources close to the situation, local man Greg Wilhelm’s casual invitation for his high school friend Ryan Hobbel to stay with him during his upcoming trip has left Wilhelm in a tailspin wondering if the arrival of his former schoolmate will put in jeopardy the web of lies he’s been weaving his entire adult life.
“Ryan hit me up and asked if he could stay with me while he’s in town and I didn’t think about it before I said yes,” Wilhelm said, who immediately realized the gravity of the situation at hand. “When I knew Hobbel I was a different person. I was a kid. I’ve been spending the last half of my life making up lies to hide who I used to be. This guy rolling through town threatens to blow my cover.”
Wilhelm, having moved to Bushwick, Brooklyn from his hometown of Edina, Minn. was initially reluctant at first to say what specifically he was worried his new circle of friends would find out about him. When pressed about what lies he was worried about people uncovering he looked off into the distance and said “everything.”
“I told my girlfriend that I was president of our school’s Spanish club,” Wilhelm admitted. “I don’t know why I lied about it, but I did. It was our first date, and she told that she was really into Spanish club in school so I told her I was the president of ours. You lie about shit on first dates. It’s what you do.”
When asked who was actually president of his school’s Spanish club Wilhelm thought for a second before saying, “Goddamnit, it might’ve been Ryan.”
Wilhelm stressed that he didn’t lie maliciously but just to break the ice with people in the hopes of fitting in. “When I heard that my friend Jordan from improv was into Magic: The Gathering I told him I was the one who introduced my school to Magic. What was I thinking? I guess I played Yu-Gi-Oh once or twice, but it wasn’t really for me. I don’t even really like Jordan. Why the hell was I trying to impress him? Now I’ve got to keep them separated if Ryan comes to one of my shows.”
Among the many many other lies that Wilhelm has admitted to he said that he’s most worried about telling his work friend Marcia that he used to be a proficient enough dirt bike rider to earn the nickname “The Dirt Bike Kid” and that he’d once met The Murder City Devils’ lead singer Spencer Moody despite not having have heard of the band until that very conversation.
At press time, Wilhelm cryptically said, “I’m proud of the person I pretend I’ve always been. I don’t want this guy I haven’t even seen in 15 years coming in and fucking everything up. I can’t have that. I won’t have that.”
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