MANHATTAN — Visibly blushing as she examined the exotic gift, Vanessa Trump expressed her excitement Wednesday at receiving a black rhinoceros carcass with ‘I’m sorry’ carved across its chest.
“Oh my goodness, is this a real black rhino? But there are only a few thousand of these left,” said a bewildered Trump, whose face was illuminated red by the animal’s shimmering blood. “My friends are going to freak when they see this. And is that an engraved apology? That’s so sweet.”
Vanessa Trump, 40, who recently filed for divorce against her husband Donald Trump Jr., told reporters that while still upset with Donald Jr., she was nonetheless “deeply moved” by his heartfelt attempt to save their marriage. So much so that she may even reconsider their divorce.
“He hasn’t poached anything this nice for me in years,” Trump continued while removing the rhino’s tail. “Ah, he even left its horn on for me. That’s his favorite part. Oh, dammit, Donald. How can I stay mad at you?”
At press time, an irate Trump tossed the rhino into the Hudson River after taking it to a zoologist and learning that it was actually a knockoff Two-Horned Rhino, most likely killed in Malaysia.
Chad Thurman only buys his exotic creatures from antique stores in Chinatown.
Image by James Webb.