Utah Spitefully Outlaws Gay Divorce


SALT LAKE CITY, Utah – Having begrudgingly consented to same sex marriage less than four months ago, the state of Utah this Thursday found a way to get back at its gay community, by moving forward with a House resolution to outlaw gay divorce.

“You made your choice,” State Representative Gerald Henderson told local press moments after the decision. “I mean, not you, specifically, but the gay– you know what I mean.”

“You can’t just say you really want to get married and throw a beautiful rally and confuse people and then turn around and change your mind,” Rep. Henderson continued. “You either want something or you don’t.”

“If I really wanted something and I couldn’t have it, I wouldn’t give it up as soon as I got it,” Rep. Henderson then whispered, “I would cherish it forever.”

The few legislators who did vote against the measure explained that they didn’t care about divorce, reasoning that no one was forcing anyone else to watch the couples haggle over assets, or avoid each other publicly, or renew their once-buoyant friendship, or engage in reckless rebound sex with other gays and lesbians.

“Let ’em get divorced!” said the opposition’s Rep. Jeremy Darone. “If it makes ’em happy, who am I to judge?”

“Not everyone can be happy,” Rep. Henderson snapped, concluding the press conference. He then excused himself to a bathroom to watch himself quietly sob for what would feel like seven minutes.

The resolution will move to the state Senate next week, where legislators will likely vote it into a law.

“I really don’t know much about divorce,” Rep. Darone admitted later. “In my experience, it’s always cheaper to just get an abortion.”

Colleen Patterson has never been married but she also hasn’t been trying. So.

Image by fotocination.