Undecided Voter Crams Morning Of Election


HOFFMAN ESTATES, Ill. — After procrastinating for the past 20 months, local undecided voter Jerry Reynolds was reportedly found cramming the entirety of the 2016 Presidential campaign on the morning of the election.

“I was going to devote the whole weekend to catching up, but then the Cubs won the World Series and it was so nice outside,” said Reynolds, 27, from his kitchen table surrounded by stacks of newspapers and a copy of Hillary Clinton’s 2014 book Hard Choices.

According to sources, Reynolds took several Adderall and stayed up most of the night, watching first the primary and then the presidential debates. “I got all the way through the second Trump and Clinton debate, but I could only watch the highlights of the third one,” Reynolds said, adding that he ran out of time and had to completely skip the vice presidential debate between Tim Kaine and Mike Pence.

“I took pretty good notes from the February 2016 GOP debates though,” said Reynolds.

“I’ve still got several hours before polls close, so I’m going use that time to skim every opinion piece from the Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Washington Post, and the Economist,” added Reynolds, which he believes will give him a better idea of how these two candidates have been received since they announced their campaigns in early 2015. “If I have time, I’ll take a look at The Atlantic.”

Reynolds reportedly confirmed that he could bring in one 8 ½ x 11 sheet of paper with notes into the voting booth.

“I feel like I got a pretty solid handle on this since last night after dinner.”

At press time, Reynolds was in the voting booth trying to remember who Gary Johnson is.

Tommy Molzahn voted early to get a jump start on heading to Canada.

Image by mer chau.