CEDARBURG, Wis. — All sources are currently reporting that Uncle Rick, 62, is at it again using Facebook like it’s a goddamn garage sale. Rick, who recently retired from a long career managing the Ace Hardware, uses Facebook almost exclusively to sell used crap in lieu of having an actual garage sale like a decent human being. Instead of status updates, he posts a grainy picture taken from his phone of an old chair or lamp and asks, “Who wants it?”
“No one wants it, that’s who,” said his sister Daphne, 58, who is fed up with Rick’s goddamned Facebook posts. “He’s cloggin’ up my dang feed with these things! No one wants his raggedy ass lava lamp, but he posts about it on Facebook and he never even likes any of the recipes I’m always sharing! Have some goddamned decency when you use Facebook.”
Rick’s niece Brittany, 25, told us that her uncle is embarrassing on Facebook in several other ways. “He refuses to ‘like’ any posts, but he wants me to know he saw them,” Brittany explained. “So you know what he does? He comments on everything. Every goddamn thing I post gets an Uncle Rick comment. It’s not even a good comment! He’ll just post a smiley face. What the fuck is that? Like it, you freak.”
Rick’s explanation is that the government can track likes which is also why he urges people not to like his post about selling his couch or selling his old tackle box. “Just comment that you want the damn thing!” Rick wrote in another recent post offering for sale a used game of Don’t Wake Daddy with some of the pieces missing.
When asked for comment, Rick asked if anyone wanted to buy the old gumball machine “taking up space” in his garage or if they’d rather hear his theories on who killed JFK.
Stephanie Weber is missing the good old days of Facebook when people would post exactly what they were doing in one sentence like this.