LOS ANGELES — After a string of embarrassingly low ratings, local Uber driver John Stroman reportedly filled one of the rear armrest cupholders in his 2003 Toyota Corolla with loose, unbound Starbursts in hopes this would create the five-star travel experience his customers expect.
“This is going to be the ticket to the top, baby!” yelled Stroman, while dumping another bag of the fruity candy into the armrest cupholder. “It’s taffy gold!”
While the self-proclaimed “Chaufer of the People” seems fixated on the idea that a fistfull of chewy, squared sugar snacks was the only thing standing between him and a perfect rating, his recent customers seem more than skeptical.
“I mean, it was a nice gesture, I suppose,” said Ashley Franks, a recent passenger in one of Stroman’s Uber Pools. “But honestly, I was too put off by the smell of what was clearly cigarettes and Taco Bell permeating throughout the car to even think about grabbing a piece of candy from that cupholder.”
Franks also confirmed that even if she was in the mood for a Starburst, Stroman had already eaten all the pink and reds. “If I ever sink low enough to eat jumbled sweets from the back of someone else’s sedan, you can be damn sure they won’t be yellow,” Franks said.
At press time, Mr. Stroman had yet to receive a five-star rating from a passenger but was reported to be meandering through a rant about his entrepreneurship to a rider listening to headphones.
Alec Stein longs for the days before rideshare apps when you could just hop the rails and head West looking for work.