U.S. Spies Having Trouble Blending In Because They Are Always The Fat Ones

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ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA — Having long been identified as a problem in the United States, obesity is now casting its wide shadow into the shadowy world of espionage as American intelligence agents are finding it more and more difficult to operate covertly due to them always being the fat ones.

Recently, an operative was apprehended following a short pursuit through the markets of Kandahar after he had been discovered and shot in the leg by Afghani militants. He temporarily lost his tails by ducking into a clothing shop, but was identified when he asked for size 46-28 pants and whether or not the shopkeeper was going to finish that.

Another operative working for the CIA was apprehended within minutes of starting his first workday at the General Staff and Ministries Building in St. Petersburg, when Russian officials immediately identified him as a spy. Martin Smather, who was embedded into the workforce at the Russian military building by the agency, did not even manage to get halfway through his Egg McMuffin and iced Americano before his desk was surrounded.

Smather was assigned to the position in the building’s IT department due to his advanced computer and language skills, however he was pegged as an American because of what his new coworkers called his “sloppy hippie body.”

Smather made a court appearance in Moscow Tuesday morning wearing a very tight-fitting jumpsuit and a daisy chain of handcuffs. A trial was set to begin in October, however Russian president Vladimir Putin swiftly initiated talks of a prisoner swap, citing the cost of caring for Smather as his main motivation for unloading the prisoner.

“He requires so much food every day; more than ten times a normal Russian prisoner,” said Putin. “After we interrogated him with [redacted], all we could get him to admit was that ‘Russians can’t do barbecue for shit.'”

President Obama, who received an earful of “I told you sos” from First Lady Michelle Obama, successfully negotiated Smather’s release in less than an hour and even got Putin to agree to split the cost of the spy’s two airline seats. In exchange for Smather, Obama agreed to lessen military presence in Ukraine.

Ross Kelly is a little worried that his search history now contains “Russian government buildings.”

Image by seatbelt67.

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Ross Kelly grew up in St. Louis, MO: the land of a thousand arches. It was here that he never did comedy. He would go on to Southern Illinois, where he started doing stand-up and also started not finishing college. In 2012, he moved to Chicago to pursue more comedy, as well as an opportunity to continue not going to school. He is an original member of The Whiskey Journal team, and can make a pretty amazing hollandaise sauce.