Two Committed Liars Vow To Make Long Distance Relationship Work


NEW YORK — In an act that showed true dedication and courage, sources have reported that local couple Kathy Klein and Randall McKree have bravely vowed to make a God’s honest attempt at a long distance relationship like the two bald-faced liars they are.

Friends of Klein and McKree listened as the two lied to their faces about how they planned on making their long distance relationship work. Klein, who recently landed a job in Portland, planned to leave the New York apartment which she and McKree have shared for the past two years.

“We’ve been together a long time and we owe it ourselves to really try to make this work,” said Klein with a straight face to her friends who had gathered to bid her goodbye.

McKree and Klein began dating two and a half years ago when they met at the show of a mutual friend’s band. Their courtship started slowly, but after six months they decided to move in together.

“We’ve had tough times in the past. It’s going to be hard and it’s going to take work, but anything worth doing does,” McKree said knowing in his heart that he had no intention of making the scheduled trips he and Klein had agreed upon when she announced she was moving.

Klein feigned optimism about the relationship while she described what lengths the couple planned on going through to keep their doomed relationship going.

“It’ll take a few months to get settled but once that happens I’ll be able to travel back and see him, but between trips back I’m sure we’ll FaceTime every night,” said Klein knowing full well that FaceTime sucks and that wasn’t a feasible way to sustain a relationship.

The couple’s friends decided to play along with the farce. “Listen, they’re a great couple,” said Patty Rudd, one of McKree’s coworkers. “I mean Randall is such a nice guy, Kathy is really lucky to have him. I’ll have to take him out when she moves so he doesn’t get too lonely.” The rest of the friends expressed similar hope for the couple during the night filled with lies.

When asked about avoiding temptations in a new city Klein courageously pretended that it wouldn’t be an issue. “I know it’s going to get lonely, but our relationship means enough to me not to waste it by ruining it with the first guy that comes along just because I’m in a strange city. I’m an adult with needs, but part of being an adult is putting aside what you want so you can focus on what’s important. And what’s important to me is Randall.”

As of press time both Klein and McKree signed up for Tinder “just to meet some new friends.”

Adam Sokol is glad you called, babe. He was just about to go to sleep and definitely not out with people you’ve never met.  

Image by Michael Bentley