WASHINGTON, D.C. — Overwhelmed with long lines, the Transportation Security Administration unveiled on Tuesday a new, expedited screening process for people running to stop a love interest from boarding their plane. Experts claim the move will ensure a happy ending for millions of people every year, while reducing the wait time at checkpoints by up to 40 percent.
“On any given day, I probably see somewhere between 10,000 to 20,000 people racing for their love, only to get stuck in our screening lines.” said Matt Oswielder, a TSA agent at O’Hare International Airport. “If my wife Elizabeth and I were ever to have a falling out, I would definitely want the option of one last grand gesture before she flew out of my life forever.”
With many heralding this as a step in the right direction, some are using it as launching pad to demand similar programs, such as discounted postage for people writing letters every day for a year and reimbursements for wedding dresses ruined while running away at the altar.
Others, however, have raised safety concerns, claiming the TSA is becoming too lax in their procedures.
When asked how they would manage this new screening option while upholding security, a representative from TSA assured that, “The increased fees will more than compensate for any concerns, be they fiscal or monetary.”
Alec Stein eats lunch every day at the Panda Express in LaGuardia.