Trump To Re-Open BP Oil Spill

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump signed an unprecedented executive order today directing government agencies to crack open the tragically historic oil well sealed at the site of the Deepwater Horizon disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, White House officials have confirmed.

An explosion at the site in 2010 killed 11 people, and caused the well to hemorrhage an estimated minimum of 210,000,000 gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico over five months.

The White House issued a brief statement saying the new project would “gush with new jobs,” and counselor to the president Kellyanne Conway said in seven television appearances so far today that the plan is also part of a new national security strategy.

“The U.S. has been too predictable for too long,” said Conway. “Imagine what other countries will think if we tear that oil well back open and let it gush into the ocean—it’ll be like walking into a room and cutting yourself with a pocket knife in front of everybody, and not saying a damn thing. No one wants to mess with you after you do that.”

When asked about the economic and environmental damage Gulf states would face from the U.S. spilling more oil into their already fragile and damaged ecosystem, Conway simply answered that the Gulf states are traditionally Republican and voted in the majority for Trump.

“Last I checked, those areas voted for Trump and are therefore Republican and so are automatically in support of domestic oil so I don’t really understand what they would complain about,” Conway said.

At the Capitol, House Speaker Paul Ryan told reporters he is working to pass legislation that will assist the federal government in managing the re-opened BP oil spill.

“Unlike under Obama, this will be a safe, managed oil spill—one that we can slow down, stop, or crank up to 11 whenever we want,” said Ryan. “It’s important to be smart about it.”

Statements of fear, condemnation, and calls to action have been widespread, from environmental groups and Democratic leaders to countless citizens who depend on and appreciate the Gulf.

“This is madness,” said Naomi Lee, whose family has lived on the Mississippi coast for generations. “I don’t know if the oil companies found a way to somehow profit from subsidies when they actually spill the oil, or if Trump is just trying to screw hotel competitors around here by trashing the place. But this is a beautiful part of nature and we have to protect it.”

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders immediately issued a statement saying the Trump administration opening the well and pouring oil into the ocean would be criminal.

“It’s going to get tricky,” said Sanders, “because you got to figure this is a distraction by Trump’s administration to keep us from focusing something else that’s even more concerning. But if you don’t do something about this, yes, this is not a drill, President Trump is going to re-open the BP oil spill.”

Conway addressed the accusation that re-opening the BP oil spill is a distraction.

“It’s sad that the media think lots of new jobs for engineers and other oil-Americans is a distraction,” said Conway. “Also, this project is crucial because we didn’t have jobs under Barack Obama, and lots of illegal brown people voted for Hillary Clinton and cost the president the popular vote, which is why we’ll probably have to get rough with the Dakota Access protesters, and there are plenty of alternative facts, thank you, about how all these pipelines are going to actually double as waterslides, unlike under joyless, hopeless Barack Obama, and we have to protect Americans, so President Trump doesn’t have time for distractions.”

Andrew Voris is still managing a seizure following Kellyanne Conway’s last interview.

Image by EPI2oh.