Trump Selects Carson As Black Friend

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NEW YORK, N.Y. — Following Republican tradition, president-elect Donald Trump nominated Dr. Ben Carson as his Official Black Friend this week, according to sources.

“Dr. Carson is a black person with a graduate degree,” Trump announced on Twitter. “What more do you people want?”

Before settling on the retired neurologist, Trump held interviews with several other candidates for OBF., including convicted murderer Don King, entrepreneur Russell Simmons, and a magical being named Omarosa.

Trump has also asked Carson to serve as the Secretary of Ghettos and Inner City Development, a position that will allow Carson to leverage his experience, in Trump’s words, “as a person of blackness.”

When asked about Carson’s qualifications for the role, Trump reminded reporters that Carson, a lifetime resident of the suburbs, is a “lifetime resident of the inner city.”

Carson is excited to serve as OBF, but promises to uphold the key tenets of the office, including accompanying Trump to cocktail parties, swapping sports stories, and refraining from making sexual advances towards Trump’s daughters.

“I have promised not to make any advances towards Mr. Trump’s daughters,” said Carson. “Although we’ve both agreed that Mr. Trump will be less upset if I approach Tiffany.”

Sources said Carson expects to share lodging in Washington, D.C. with Trump’s Official Female Friend and Official Gay Friend, Betsy DeVos and Mike Pence.

John Clark is awaiting his interview for Official Liberal Friend.

Image by Flickr.