Trump: There No Way Thing I Did Minute Ago Can Fail


WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House released a statement today saying that President Trump has unshakable confidence that whatever thing he did a minute ago will be an undisputed success. The unplanned statement was posted to the White House’s official Twitter account this morning.

“President Trump has the utmost confidence that whatever it was that he did just a few moments ago will be a rousing win for his administration and the American people,” the statement’s opening line read. “He is 100% certain the thing—whatever it was he did or said or thought—will not disappoint any US citizen in any way whatsoever,” it continued.

The statement also made it clear that it was not only the President who maintained a firm belief that there was absolutely no chance the action or inaction he demanded mere seconds ago could be anything but a historic boon for Americans of all backgrounds.

“The President received overwhelmingly positive feedback from whoever it was he initially told about the thing he did,” it read. That party, the statement continued, “probably agreed that the thing would receive bipartisan support from whatever legislative body would ultimately review and vote on the thing President Trump talked about.”

The statement concluded with a reassurance from the President that it is “unequivocally impossible for the thing he did to fail, but it could.”

Dan Delagrange staunchly believes that whatever he wrote here is good.

Image by Gage Skidmore on Flickr

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Dan Delagrange is a comedy writer and basketball nerd living in Chicago. Along with writing for The Whiskey Journal, he hosts the Below The Rim podcast, and he was a contributor at StarWipe and a writer for Scott Dikkers's book, "Trump's America: Buy This Book And Mexico Will Pay For It".