WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an effort to provide much-needed moral support and comfort for the city and its surrounding regions, President Trump announced Monday that his thoughts and prayers are with the people of Houston who voted for him in the general election.
“On behalf of myself and my family, I would like for all those affected by this historic disaster to know that we are with you 100%—unless you’re one of the haters who voted against me in the presidential election. Then you’re on your own,” President Trump told reporters, assuring the nation that protecting the lives of his people is his highest priority and that anyone else can go to hell. “I especially want to extend my support to the tremendous citizens of Galveston, where—despite what that talentless clown Wolf Blitzer says—I defeated Crooked Hillary convincingly by a 30-point margin.”
As devastated communities face the task of cleaning up wreckage and searching for survivors, Trump called upon his fellow Americans to unite as one and lend a helping hand to neighbors who will help extend his political career, and those neighbors only.
“I want the people of Texas to know that they have our full federal support and will see very rapid action,” Trump continued. “We have coordinated with state and local governments to obtain the addresses of all registered Republicans, FEMA helicopters will be surveying the area for people stranded on rooftops and trees wearing MAGA hats, and those who pledge their undying loyalty to me upon rescue will get first dibs on relief aid.”
At press time, the president confirmed that all non-supporters rescued will receive free water from Flint, Michigan, spoiled blood, and a copy of Trump’s latest book, Time To Get Tough.
Chad Thurman always keeps a MAGA hat in case of a natural disaster.
image by Greg Skidmore