Trump Bests Kim Jong-Un’s Legendary Golf Game, Scoring 28 With 7 Holes-In-One


WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — Brilliant star leader Doctor President Donald Trump has again displayed to us his heavenly glory by besting his North Korean counterpart’s legendary golf score by six whole strokes. The American people should be most grateful for this gift, as the supreme ruler of the free world certainly does not have to give us these blessed displays. It is for this reason that we, the loyal subjects of North America, should give praise to he who won the election and encourage him to spend as much time as needed at his Mar-a-Lago resort that we may know his love and wisdom.

Associates close to Lord Trump revealed that our brave leader scored a miraculous 28 at his resort on Sunday, a feat unknown to any mortal human being, especially Kim Jong-un who only managed to score a 34 while his people starved. On top of his astounding score, the election winner’s noble muscle memory sent seven golf balls directly into the cup directly from the tee. No other person, let alone leader, has ever had such clear divine guidance on the golf course. This is lucid evidence that his actions off of the course are also being conducted with the blessing of God.

Let us all rejoice that such strong and large hands are firmly gripping the shaft of our great nation, driving us directly into the hole with one preternatural and remarkable shot.

Ross Kelly hopes this isn’t just more fake news, but we’ll see what he says.

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Ross Kelly grew up in St. Louis, MO: the land of a thousand arches. It was here that he never did comedy. He would go on to Southern Illinois, where he started doing stand-up and also started not finishing college. In 2012, he moved to Chicago to pursue more comedy, as well as an opportunity to continue not going to school. He is an original member of The Whiskey Journal team, and can make a pretty amazing hollandaise sauce.