I Tried This New M̶i̶s̶e̶r̶a̶b̶l̶e̶ ̶T̶o̶r̶t̶u̶r̶o̶u̶s̶ ̶L̶a̶b̶o̶r̶ ̶C̶a̶m̶p̶ Fitness Retreat, And P̶l̶e̶a̶s̶e̶ ̶H̶e̶l̶p̶ ̶M̶e̶ ̶I̶ ̶C̶a̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶E̶s̶c̶a̶p̶e̶ So Should You!


Nothing is better than a nice long vacation in the summer, but that two weeks of indulgence is one of life’s greatest joys not always great for your bikini body! If you’re looking for a vacation that won’t kick the #fitnessgoals hashtag off your instagram feed, for the love of God do not choose this one have we got a great option for you!

Fitness retreats, or as some prefer to call them, miserable, exploitative labor camps “summer camp for grown-ups,” are cropping up everywhere as a great vacation for someone with really awful self-destructive tendencies who would definitely be better off in therapy fitness-conscious travelers! Activities at these horrible nightmarish places luxurious resorts include fun, outdoorsy physical challenges such as transporting goods in treacherous mountainous areas hiking, collecting litter, trash, and refuse and inspecting it for resale beachcombing, using giant mallets to break down rocks and inspecting them for ore high-intensity interval training, and transporting goods through treacherous ocean regions swimming! So as to protect you from overindulging, most fitness retreats will serve you a confusing mix of non-edible items and food waste set menu of healthy foods. Many fitness retreats up the ante by offering choices that are last night they served us several lentils mixed in with the charred remains of what was once a small potato and several roadside weeds organic, anti-inflammatory, and gluten-free!

Although these God-forsaken bastions of misery fun, active retreats oh God sometimes I forget that I actually paid to be here, they have my money, they have my actual, green American money, I paid for this, how could I have been so stupid? don’t come cheap, many people are too traumatized to realize that they have Stockholm syndrome just so thrilled with their results that they start to believe that they deserve this sort of suffering and being here becomes a penance for some as-yet-unknown sin they committed, probably involving chocolate cake make multiple trips back throughout the year! Other customers are terribly self-loathing people whose tendencies have been so normalized by the media that they somehow thought that this was an appropriate way to fit into their wedding dress brides-to-be who want to shed those last few pounds before they realize that they’ve been duped into believing that starving and torturing yourself is normal, even virtuous behavior the big day! Even so, entire families oh God please don’t bring your children here can enjoy the wide variety of all I wanted was to look really great in my wedding pictures. I can’t believe I’ve sacrificed my summer and my sanity for a couple snapshots. But even with that particular lapse of judgment, I still do not deserve this. No one does. For the love of God, if you’re reading this, please go eat a cookie, and then, please, please help me escape, I’m not kidding, they won’t let me leave! fun and healthy activities that fitness retreats force upon you offer!

Gwen Lawson is already starting to identify with her captors notice a real improvement in her problem areas.

Image by pixabay.