Top Thanksgiving Oozes


It’s Thanksgiving, the only holiday that puts food first! We all remember those iconic oozes from our childhood Thanksgivings, and as we’ve aged, our love for those delicious holiday oozes has only grown. When your family gathers to guzzle ooze this Thanksgiving, make sure you have these traditional oozes on your dinner table!


Gravy: The classic ooze! Nothing says Thanksgiving like ooze, and no ooze matches the sluggish flow and gummy viscosity of everyone’s favorite ooze, gravy. This ooze takes all comers, a truly versatile ooze. While it’s a fine solo ooze that’s fit for slurping, we recommend oozing this ooze over all your other Thanksgiving oozes. Mix the king of oozes into your favorite side ooze and you’ll make a delightful ooze melange you’ll love pouring into your slobbery mouth!



Cranberry Sauce: Cranberries, like all fruits, ache to ooze. Grant their wish. This is their top ooze, that cranberry ooze. Don’t let the name fool you: this sauce is an ooze. This ooze famously comes in two ooze-forms, one oozing from a metal prison, and one hand-glopped into a homemade ooze. Both are top oozes with that flavor zip. Sate the furious desire of your trembling ooze-flesh with a tart ooze. The tang will enrapture.



Mashed Potatoes: Potatoes are the ground’s dry tears, but lo! Mash their bulk and an ooze erupts! Theirs is a hardy ooze with heft out the ass. While this ooze is often paired with a lighter ooze as a topping, it’s got that ooze charisma to stand alone if you let it! Pound this beautiful ooze down your throat. This ooze looks like the beautiful dead body of a murdered cloud.



Creamed Corn: Corn usually clings to that nasty cob, a dry stalk of ruin and the hated enemy of ooze. Creamed corn rescues Thanksgiving by turning that nightmare into the festival’s ooze. This is a thick ooze, and a fine ooze to drizzle upon your ooze-wetted lips this holiday!



Pumpkin Pie Filling: Pies are ooze in an intolerable bowl of terrible flakes. The flake bowl is the worst. I can’t deal with it. But the ooze within? Well, that’s a different story…a story about ooze! This dessert ooze will satisfy your sweet tooth and your ooze tooth. It’s the swampy ooze that jiggles at a crazy rate!



Bowl of Ooze: Check it out, idiot: a bowl of hot ooze! It’s normal to feel contempt for a weak, spineless ooze that needs to be held in a bowl, but with Thanksgiving offering so many thick oozes to slurp, you can make an exception. It’s worth it to give different kinds of oozes a try, even if this wouldn’t be your first ooze choice! Many home cooks like to plop globs like wet meat or wet plants into their bowls of ooze, but that’s only a distraction from the bowl’s steamy ooze load. Fuck globs!



Baked Ooze: Most ooze fans hate baked ooze, sometimes called “bread rolls” by morons. They hate the dry pillow food, the dusty clod that tastes like an asshole ball of feathers. It’s that pile-of-towels food. What you may not know is that baked ooze is ooze! Its pre-baked form is called “dough” and it is a prime ooze, a hero ooze that turns flour, the Pantry’s Dust, into your friend and mine, ooze. This ooze is bananas: unlike most oozes, the dough ooze literally grows bigger when left to ooze freely. You read right: this ooze makes more ooze. It’s double the ooze! Clearly this is too much ooze to handle, so we must bake it to stunt its oozy essence. It’s a tragedy, but it must be done. Top it with butter, the “rescue ooze,” to make the baked ooze damp and remind it of the ooze it was.

And them’s the oozes! We hope your Thanksgiving is full of hearty oozes and goos. Eat up!

Tom Harrison wants you all to know that 11.7% of words in this article are “ooze.”

Images by Julie, Colleen Morgan, Michael Saechang, Paul Goyette, Chris Chan, Knile. Jeffrey W, and David Machiavello.