Next week, residents of the Northern Hemisphere will enjoy the rare opportunity to observe a total nuclear eclipse, as a wave of warhead detonations and uncontrolled wildfires sweeps across North America, Europe, Russia, China, Japan and what had been the Korean Peninsula. Here are answers to several common questions about nuclear eclipses.
What are the conditions that lead to a nuclear eclipse?
A nuclear eclipse is set in motion when two paste-eating moron pissbabies, each of whom is unfit to lead a chorus of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” much less a nuclear-armed nation, engage in a tragicomedy of botched communications and catastrophic provocations that spins out of control until the next thing you know, they’ve really, actually gone and blown up the goddamned world like everyone feared they would— well, everyone but the 30% of Americans who worry more about the genitals of the person taking a shit in the next stall.
Where is the best place to view a nuclear eclipse?
To fully appreciate the cinematic destruction associated with a nuclear eclipse, head for the hills. A remote mountaintop cabin will not only provide panoramic views, but will be easier to defend from the hordes of orphaned children wandering the desolate hellscape.
Even better, if you can afford it, is the view from an airplane window. But don’t just get on any flight! Savvy travelers will head to the Southern Hemisphere to buy valuable time and distance from radioactive fallout. Argentina in particular should be on the top of your “must-relocate” list, as its fertile grasslands are perfect for supporting a post-industrial society wholly dependent on Iron Age tools for its survival.
Do I need to wear eye protection?
Unlike a solar eclipse, the thick layer of ash propelled into the stratosphere during a nuclear eclipse will make it perfectly safe to look directly at the sun on those rare days when its location can be discerned. Caution, however, should be exercised when viewing thermonuclear explosions. Even if you are far enough from the blast radius to avoid having your flesh instantly converted to a boiling liquid, the brilliant flash of light can cause permanent damage to your retinas. We recommend wearing glasses specially designed for viewing nuclear eclipses. Remember, the blind will be among the first to be abandoned.
Eric Stassen will never allow anyone to sap and impurify his precious bodily fluids.