PHILADELPHIA, Pa. — Presumptive vice-presidential nominee Tim Kaine will introduce himself and his many paternal qualities to the country tonight when he addresses the Democratic National Convention in a speech reportedly focusing on the topic of lawn care.
Kaine, the junior senator from Virginia, has a respected career that also includes serving as governor of the state and mayor of its capital, Richmond. Kaine staffers also noted that many voters may also know him for his homemade barbecue sauce, various bowling accolades and collection of push mowers.
“I was voted nicest bowler in my league four years in a row,” Kaine boasted softly. “Eventually I was nice enough to change leagues so someone else could have a chance.”
Kaine said that while he’s eager to tout his background as an executive who’s ran governments, and a legislator on the Foreign Relations and Armed Services committees in Congress, he’s also eager to talk about various lawn maintenance techniques as well as his new mower.
“I’m kind of old fashioned–I don’t need a fancy riding lawn mower. Give me my new Cub Cadet ‘Signature Cut’ push mower, some shorts that get plenty of air, and half a can of RC Cola and I’m a happy guy,” said the vice-presidential candidate. “And you can bet that’s what I’m going to talk to America about tonight.”
Kaine’s wife Anne Holton, a former judge who most recently served as Virginia’s Secretary of Education, said her husband can actually be very exciting.
“He likes to put just a tiny drop of Frank’s RedHot in his own homemade barbecue sauce–to give it that kick,” said Holton. “One time he accidentally put in a big drop and we all laughed. Everyone was too scared to try it so we took it to the homeless shelter. I hope he tells that story tonight.”
Sec. Hillary Rodham Clinton, the Democratic nominee for president, said she couldn’t be happier about choosing Kaine as her running mate, and that the two of them are ready to lead the country.
“Tim Kaine could proudly and effectively serve as president on a moment’s notice if need be,” said Clinton. “He knows how to lead, he knows how to fix problems, and last night he talked to campaign staffers about crabgrass and moles for 45 minutes. That’s the kind of passion this country needs.”
Kaine said he accepted the offer to be Clinton’s running mate for the same reason he entered public service to begin with–because he cares about America.
“I just want America to know that it’s okay to have fun, but that you have to stay out of trouble,” said Kaine. “Be smart about who you hang out with. And for Pete’s sake wear a condom and just remember that your mom and I love you.”
Andrew Voris gets pissed and uses the f-word any time he goes bowling.
Image by Tim Kaine.