We Threw The Word ‘Brazilian’ In Front Of A Bunch Of Stuff So Women Would Buy It


Guest blog by Dan Muckler, VP of Consumer Insights

We here at COHN Marketing are in agreement that putting the adjective “Brazilian” in front of any product will boost sales to American women. From waxes to blowouts to honey, it’s pretty much a marketing golden rule that Brazilian-whatever sells like gangbusters to women. They’ll buy anything Brazilian.

According to our super chill CEO Jeff, women can’t resist the idea of being a Brazilian supermodel even if some women are Colombian or whatever. Think about it: Women will pay for a Brazilian workout or a Brazilian butt lift, but who’s ever bought a German butt lift? No one because that sounds flat and oppressive. Brazilian butt lifts are about freedom and dancing on the beach.

So what we do is simple. We put Brazilian in front of any old garbage product we want to market to women and presto!–they buy it like it’s going extinct, like the Amazon or whatever. Yeah, most women who buy our products barely know where Brazil is or that they don’t even speak Spanish there, but who cares? They just want to be beautiful like Gisele Bündchen or Adriana Lima or… shit, those are the only famous Brazilians I can think of who aren’t Pelé. No one is trying to look like Pelé… yet. When they do, we’ll do this, too. Why? Because this works. Hello! Are you even reading this? I make a six-figure salary by selling Brazilian Olives alone. Do olives even grow down there? I don’t give a shit.

Trust us, we’ve used this tactic to sell far more than beauty and health products. You wouldn’t believe the bullshit we’ve sold. We’ve sold Brazilian non-stick pans, Brazilian gerbils, Brazilian airfare to Puerto Rico, Brazilian glue made from only Brazilian horses, and Brazilian Asian pears. I’m telling you, it works.

We were pretty surprised recently when Raid approached us because they were stumped on how to market a wasp repellent to women. The Raid dude was a total idiot who was all like, “We just thought that mans are tough and strong, but womens are feeble and weak. So the womens must need wasp repellent more than the mans.” And we were like, “Hey nimrods, put Brazilian in front of literally any of those words. Uh-DOY.” Then I pants-ed the Raid dude and he cried. But who cares? I’m rolling in Brazilian-American dough here. So the dipshits at Raid did what we said and surprise, surprise–Raid’s Brazilian Wasp Repellent currently outsells all other wasp repellents marketed to women. Suck it, Spectracide!

“I never knew I needed a wasp repellent until I saw this one,” one woman wrote in an Amazon review for Raid Brazilian Wasp Repellent. “Now I feel exotic and beautiful when I spray poison at wasps.”

Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to apologize to our non-Brazilian wives for making them feel inferior every single day.

Dan Muckler once paid for an Irish blowout for his assistant but she ended up looking hungry and sad.

Image by wikimedia.

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Stephanie Weber is a good girl who also contributes to Reductress, Uproarier, and Above Average. She performs stand up comedy anywhere that will let her.