The Whiskey Journal’s Guide To Winning The Lottery

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The nationwide Powerball lottery has reached a record high of $1.5 billion.

On Wednesday night one lucky winner might win the jackpot and become incredibly rich in a matter of moments.

A lot of people say there is no clear “winning” strategy, but this is just their attempt to discourage you from playing to increase their own chances of winning. How you choose your numbers may not seem important, but lottery experts urge potential winners to gain as much information as they can, thus making the best selections possible with their numbers.

To win the lottery, you have to play the lottery. So take the afternoon off, get that payday loan and study The Whiskey Journal’s list of potential tips and advice for winning it all.

  •  If you can, bring an old person wearing a cowboy hat with you. 85% of lottery winners are old people that wear cowboy hats.
  •  Remember to select 69 at least one time because the Powerball guys are cool as hell and are sure to include that in the winning number.
  •  Buy all of the tickets they have. Buying all of the tickets will ensure that no one else can can win, let alone play.
  •  If you live in the city, drive out to a rural area to buy your lottery tickets. Lottery winners are always from some weird little town in the middle of nowhere.
  •  A lot of people think lottery numbers are random, but nothing could be further from the truth! Every winning number relates to a specific event in your life. My online course will teach you how to see the patterns that will make you rich!
  •  Speaking of which, play EVERYONE’S BIRTHDAYS! (Especially Jimmy’s. He’s a winner, and now you can be one too.)
  •  Cut ties with all relatives before you play so they can have no gain from your fortune. Cutting them completely out of your life before winning will also make it impossible for them to say the money changed you.
  •  Fortune favors the prepared, so go ahead and open an off-shore bank account before you buy your ticket.
  •  Try to pick unpopular numbers like 34, 46, and $#.
  •  Avoid buying a Quick Pick ticket. 70% of past winners used Quick Picks, a fact any idiot playing the lottery knows, so everyone will be buying these.

And remember, if no one hits the jackpot this time you should double down because you already invested money in this and now the universe owes you. Good luck, Powerballers.

Kyle Scanlan will probably forget to buy a ticket because he’s already so rich, spiritually.

Cowboy-sized hat tips to Stephanie, Cole, Calle, Gwen, Ken, Eric, and AndrewImage by foxnews.