The Real Problem With Stacey Dash Is I Thought She Was A Sonic The Hedgehog Character

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In today’s racially fraught world, Stacey Dash’s recent call to eliminate Black History Month and the BET Network seems designed to strike a nerve. But while her divisive comments have spurred heated arguments about racism in America, the real problem with Stacey Dash is that I had assumed she was from the Sonic games.

We all know the classic Sonic the Hedgehog video games from our childhoods, featuring animal characters with speed-based names like Sonic the Hedgehog and Miles Prower. I haven’t played any of the games in a while, but there’s so many new characters like “Amy Rose,” “Blaze the Cat,” and “Vector the Crocodile” that it’s not like I was wrong to think that one of them might be named “Stacey Dash.” I mean, come on: It’s a cutesy name that an anthropomorphic rabbit would have, and it mentions running fast. There’s “Dash” right in the name!

I heard all this news and was intrigued that Sega was making some edgy new Sonic game where Stacey Dash went off the goddamn rails with public racial commentary. I was like “whoa, I’m going to buy that game, I wanna run through a loop-de-loop and then jump on Stacey Dash’s head” but then it’s like, nope, she’s just a person, like a normal human from real life. I bet they aren’t even making a game like that!

I decided to check if maybe Stacey Dash was some kind of non-canon character from the Sonic cartoons in the 90s, like the one where I think Sonic was in a band. Stacey Dash the super-fast rabbit would definitely be in a band. But nope. She’s not even in any Sonic fan-fiction or fan art, and I got fired for looking at pornography while researching that.

The real tragedy is that now Stacey Dash will never be a Sonic character. It would have been a perfect name, they could have introduced this cute bunny with one or two edgy accessories like pilot goggles or a scraggly scarf named Stacey Dash and she’d be introduced by running faster than Sonic, which would be quite the entrance, I can tell you! God, this is all gold. And now it’ll never happen.

Stacey Dash, you are officially problematic.

Tom Harrison once had a co-worker who knew when Sonic’s birthday was and celebrated it like Sonic was real and knew who he was.

Image by picpicx.com and DeviantArt.