Pope Forgives Women

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VATICAN CITY — In a rare address this morning, Pope Francis issued forgiveness to all women. Careful to demonstrate that it was not an apology, the Pope forgave women for wanting to have more involvement in the Catholic Church. 

The Pope, who continues to exemplify the growing progressiveness in the Catholic Church, specifically identified not being men as the salient trespass for which women were being forgiven. “The Catholic Church forgives women for having breasts and being sexually attractive to all men who have not chosen to be attracted to men,” said the Pontiff. “Further, God forgives you for challenging the tenets that states only men should be allowed into priesthood. During my deliberation, I spoke with several young women in university who said, ‘What are you talking about? There is nothing to forgive.’ And it is this gracious attitude that only bolstered my inclinations that women are not so different than other humans, and thereby deserving of forgiveness to all those who seek it.”

Pope Francis concluded his address saying that nothing will change going forward and there is no reality in which women will be allowed to join the priesthood, but that God also forgives women for wanting equal treatment. “Women are welcome to participate clergy life by continuing to cover their bodies with black robes and teaching young children,” he proclaimed.

The Pope’s issuance was met with varying responses. Men in attendance seemed to revel in the Pope’s largesse and were proud of the new step. Women in the crowd did not appreciate the Pope’s statement, showing signs of discontentment, for which The Pope also forgave them.

Ross Kelly forgives, but doesn’t forget.

Image by Aleteia.
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Ross Kelly grew up in St. Louis, MO: the land of a thousand arches. It was here that he never did comedy. He would go on to Southern Illinois, where he started doing stand-up and also started not finishing college. In 2012, he moved to Chicago to pursue more comedy, as well as an opportunity to continue not going to school. He is an original member of The Whiskey Journal team, and can make a pretty amazing hollandaise sauce.