Thanksgiving Prayers That Let The Family Know You’re Over Your Ex-Fiancé


Going home for Thanksgiving can be incredibly stressful. As you quickly get bogged down with the pressures of perfecting your creamed corn and answering Uncle Gerd’s questions about your career path, you might find yourself at a loss for the ideal Thanksgiving prayer that lets the family know you’re over your ex-fiancé Will.

Fret not, we have five sure-fire prayer tips that will ensure you slay at both communicating gratitude to God, and alerting the family that your emotional healing process is complete!

1. Mention How Blessed You Are To Enjoy Dinner Without Will’s Bullshit Allergies

First of all, thank God for your loving family (even your drug-dealing juggalo cousin Marla) and bless the feast that is graciously set out before you. Then spend the larger portion of your prayer talking about how blessed Thanksgiving is without your ex-fiance Will and all his bullshit nut allergies that he was probably faking anyways because he had a habit of lying.

2. Include An Aside About How You’re Emerging From The Ashes A Powerful, Single Phoenix

After thanking God for how good Grandma looks in her new teal blouse and giving a shout-out to your aunt May’s sassy new haircut, veer your prayer into an inspirational aside in which you give thanks for being free of the oppressive weight of intimacy, a once-scorned bird, growing and emerging into the beautiful and emotionally okay Phoenix that you are!

3. Focus The Prayer On The Virtue Of Faithfulness And Will’s Lack Of It

Not only are you thankful to be seated among your beloved family (and cousin Ronnie’s annoying girlfriend with the sparkly tail), but you’re thankful for the values and virtues instilled in you from birth! Most of all you’re thankful for the important virtue of loyalty and faithfulness, something your shithead ex-fiancé Will never understood, having left you for his ex. Nevermind that scrub, you’re so thankful to be single with the family!

4. Reflect On How The Ties Of God And Family Transcend All Intimacies, Even A Whirlwind Romance With Will

Truly nothing can compete with the love and growth experienced through close relationships with family, they challenge you to become a person of integrity and goals, they support you in your darkest times, and they give you a love that could never compete with a fleeting romance! Familial love really can’t be beat, even if he did take you on that two-week trip to the Bahamas right after proposing.

5. Close Out The Prayer By Giving A Shout Out To Your Perpetually Single Aunt Harriet

Thank God for everyone in the family, those two blessed bottles of open wine and the cranberry pudding that’s just aching to get eaten. But most of all, thank God for your single aunt Harriet, and how she knows what it means to push past the Wills of the world and do her life! Heap compliments on her job-choices, her hobbies, and her style. Let everyone at the table know that with her as an example, you’re completely happy on your own, in fact it’s almost as if Will never entered your life in the first place!

Remind them once again how grateful you are and let them know there’s absolutely no risk of you prematurely entering a new relationship anytime soon!

Bronwyn Isaac always thought you and Will were a good couple but is so happy you’ve moved on!

Image by wikimedia.

Previous article5 Scarves To Protect Your Jugular
Next article7 Dishes To Bring To Friendsgiving, All Of Which Are Wine
Bronwyn Ariel Isaac is a retired bridge troll who currently resides in laundromats all over Chicago (primarily Pilsen/Little Village). She attended The School of the Art Institute of Chicago for writing right before the United States fully transformed into a bad 1950s sitcom. You can occasionally spot her in public telling edgy puns, reading poetry/essays out loud, pretending to do stand up comedy, and pouring out the remaining crumbs of her soul to complete strangers.