Terrible Listener Pretty Sure He Won That Argument


SIMI VALLEY, Calif. – Local resident Anthony Zadikow believes he won a verbal altercation that he engaged in with colleague Paul Jacobs despite having heard almost nothing that Jacobs said during the exchange, according to reports.

The two Verizon Customer Care Call Center employees were having drinks with coworkers at Dargan’s Authentic Irish Pub when the two began loudly disagreeing about the efficacy of recent government health care initiatives.

Zadikow, 35, in a voice that could be heard by the smokers exiled to the patio, claimed that “Thanks to, like, a bunch of glitches on the website and shit, NOT ONE PERSON has gotten signed up for Obamacare.”

When Jacobs, 28, tried to rebut him by explaining that he had successfully signed up for MEDI-CAL not three weeks ago, he only got as far as saying “Actually-” before Zadikow cut him off, saying “Dude, I’ve done research. NOT ONE.”

Jacobs attempted to use vocalized linguistic constructs to communicate to his fellow English-speaker that he did, in fact, have a doctor’s appointment next week that was only possible because the Affordable Care Act. No attempt to decode those transmissions was made by Zadikow, however, who just checked his phone and repeated the word “Bro” with increasing volume.

When Jacobs physically reached out and touched his shoulder, asking, “Are you even listening to what I’m saying right now?” Zadikow responded: “Totally. Hey – Imna go see what Tina’s up to. Maybe grab some wings.” Zadikow, who has better than average hearing, then walked away while feeling a sense of victory, self-satisfaction, and general superiority to the rest of humanity.

Despite assurances of its impossibility, Jacobs did in fact go to the doctor on Thursday, where received his first prostate exam. Thanks to Obama.

David Sharp is Senior Conversation Policeman for the Whiskey Journal and looks forward to someday being able to see the dentist again.

Photo courtesy of Ross