Teen Not Cold

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CHICAGO — The Midwest and Northeast regions face bitterly low temperature systems originating from the Arctic this week, but you wouldn’t know it from talking to local teen Cody Biernat who announced to media outlets this morning that he is, in fact, not cold.

At a sparsely attended press conference in Daley Plaza, Biernat–wearing only a hoodie, blue jeans, and sneakers–delivered the following statement to reporters: “I’m not cold.”

Afterward, when one reporter asked Biernat his secret to not succumbing to the frigid temperatures, Biernat explained, “Whatever.”

Meteorologists from around the country are still coping with Biernat’s shocking announcement. “I mean, it’s cold, right?” asked WGN-Chicago chief meteorologist Tom Skilling. “I’ve checked and double-checked the incoming reports from numerous weather stations and they all seem to be saying the same thing: It’s cold.”

“I’m cold right now!” added Skilling.

Louis W. Uccellini, Director of the National Weather Service, issued the following statement: “Listen, we have thermometers set up all over the country. There are places out there where the temperature is in the single digits. That’s cold, OK?”

“Don’t believe Cody,” continued Uccellini. “It’s so cold out there, you can be out there for like twenty seconds and all the boogers in your nose will freeze. Okay? All of them. So you can either listen to us, the National freaking Weather Service, or you can take the word of some teenager who’s obviously underdressing to act tough. You think I don’t see what he’s doing? Come on.”

Physicians are also grappling with the implications of Biernat’s claims. Dr. Pankit Gupta of Northwestern Memorial Hospital gave this statement earlier today: “Let me get this straight. So you’re telling me he’s going outside in these temperatures and he’s not wearing a hat and gloves? Not even a scarf? Bad fucking ass.”

“Guarantee you he gets laid,” added Gupta.

Mathias Muschal has been cold since the fifth grade.

Image by vanes_hud.