Ted Cruz To Abort Just This One Tiny Thing


INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. — Texas Senator Ted Cruz, after a crushing defeat to Donald Trump in the Indiana Republican Primary, has decided to reverse his previously unwavering stance on maintaining the life of a campaign and just “abort this one tiny thing.”

Cruz’s sudden willingness to strip the life of the campaign he had been carrying shocked and disappointed many of his pro-campaign supporters. “I worked hard,” Cruz said, “and I should be allowed to end my campaign because this was a legitimate race. The race was basically forced upon me, so I think I should be allowed to shut it down if I want.”

Evangelical supporters in attendance at the Indianapolis Hilton gasped in disbelief at the news, some even shouting “No!” in protest. Cruz responded by pleading, “Look, I know. But just this once, let me abort this. It’s just one tiny thing. This one time.”

In his final speech Cruz said he will “continue to fight for liberty,” whatever that means, before adding, “I know a lot of you are shocked by my decision to cut out early, based on the history of my beliefs, but I now believe that life beings at inauguration.”

“To abort was not my aspiration,” said Cruz, “but I don’t think I could have carried on for even three more months, so I had to evacuate my campaign.”

Cruz is returning back to Texas with his family, while his would-be running mate Carly Fiorina once again fell off the stage and back into irrelevancy. No one has seen or heard from her in over twelve hours.

Tyler Snodgrass stands with Planned Campaignhood.

Image by Gage Skidmore.