Ted Cruz Announces Bid To Become First Ugly President


LYNCHBURG, Va. — In a Monday morning speech at Liberty University, Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced his plans to run for President in 2016, a bid that, if successful, would make him the first ugly President in the history of the United States.

“I am ugly and I want your vote in 2016,” Cruz shouted to a raucous crowd of primarily ugly college students and supporters, his dopey brows sloping comically upward as if in a constant state of worry.

During lengthy applause breaks, the 44-year-old Republican strutted uncomfortably around the stage, his bad suit barely concealing a considerable paunch and his trademark undefined jaw held slack for the nearby cameras, seemingly attempting to prove his ugliness to potential voters.

“This is the first candidate we have seen with truly ugly bona fides,” said political commentator Chuck Todd in an MSNBC discussion. “Cruz comes from a long line of ugly, and he’ll use that as a selling point during the race.”

“Taft was a large man, but was not in fact ugly,” Presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin said. “Hoover was one quarter ugly on his mother’s side, but he didn’t grow up ugly. He didn’t have the ugly cultural experience.”

Kearns Goodwin went on to mention that although Richard Nixon didn’t age well, he was handsome back in his Harvard football days.

The announcement hints at a campaign strategy that will rely heavily on rallying the ugly base of the Republican party in hopes of driving a large ugly turnout for Cruz in the early primaries of Iowa and New Hampshire.

Cruz has always polled well with ugly voters, obviously, but will need to siphon off some support from crazy-ugly and religious-ugly voters to be considered as a valid national candidate.

Cruz’s ears have pledged to keep growing if necessary and his forehead plans to remain a sweaty, furrowed mess for the duration of the campaign.

Cole Moser is going to move to Canada if Cruz becomes the first ugly President instead of Elizabeth Warren.

Image by jbouie.