VANCOUVER, B.C. — With a 5-2 victory over Japan, the U.S. women’s soccer team won the FIFA World Cup title yesterday despite the fact that not a single team member has a penis.
“We’re very proud of this team,” said head coach Jill Ellis of the 23 women who were able to reach the championship game even without the use of a penis or a pair of testicles.
Sources confirmed that this is Team USA’s third World Cup title, setting a new record for people playing sports without the benefit of a penis. Reportedly, the prior two championship teams also consisted entirely of women with vaginas and not penises.
“It is a remarkable accomplishment [especially because they won without the assistance of a penis dangling between their legs],” added the penisless coach Ellis.
In related news, Serena Williams, who analysts suspect is playing with no penis whatsoever, came another step closer to winning a sixth Wimbledon title.
Tommy Molzahn‘s penis got a participation ribbon.
image by Planet Futbol