Guest blog by Rep. Paul Ryan
Hey there buddy, boy do I have some cool news for you. You know how you have always wanted to be rich? Well these GOP tax cuts are going to make it so that when you get rich it will be even more fun, big guy.
Think of all the nifty cars you see rich guys driving. Well these tax cuts mean that when you are rich like them you will have those cars. But unlike those rich chumps you will have extra money left over for classy cigars.
You’re not the only one who will be getting a big Scrooge McDuck swimming pool full of money when you’re rich, big guy. The biggest tax cuts will go to the best people of all, corporations. If the economy was The Matrix, Neo would be a dope corporation looking at other businesses like they were scrolling green computer code. Just imagine all the good things those LLCs will be doing for you once they get that cheddar.
And hey chief, remember how all of us were saying health insurance is played out? We are gonna replace that wig wiggity-wiggity-whack social program with, uh… something else. It will be so great that we will probably all do three or four dabs about it.
Now before we can do all this, captain, we need you to pay for our McDonalds. We left our wallets at home.
It’d be so chill if you cover us on this, pal.
Paul Ryan is introducing a bill to open oil drilling in the federally protected land of his own forehead.
Image by Gage Skidmore.