CHICAGO — Emphasizing in a throbbing, deep-toned whisper that humans are the only creatures in the animal kingdom known for engaging in self-talk, a disembodied voice slowly revealed Tuesday that talking to yourself is perfectly healthy.
“In moments of solitude, talking aloud to help clarify your thoughts is a completely natural thing to do,” said the strange unrecognizable voice, referring to a study where participants who talked to themselves turned out “just fine,” before repeating this one lone fact into an endless, unfading echo. “Talking to yourself is actually pretty common, even though most people won’t admit it. And even if you tell them, they won’t believe you.”
“So it’s nothing to be concerned about,” confirmed the voice after a long brooding silence.
According to the voice, people who publicly mutter their thoughts out loud in the second person, such as “no one likes you” or “you will amount to nothing,” were able to shut out those violent nagging thoughts that have kept them up night after night for the last six weeks. “Quietly mouthing words, such as repeatedly calling yourself ‘stupid,’ provides your brain with a positive, healthy outlet that could otherwise only be let free with a cordless hammer drill.”
The voice went on to say that there are psychological benefits to vocalizing your feelings to your reflection, whether it is staring back from a bathroom mirror, rain puddle, or side of a butch blade. “If you want to ask your boss for a raise, for example, the conversation will go far smoother when you fantasize the argument ahead of time, with great intensity, even if he is in the room with you.”
“Especially if he’s in the room with you,” added the relentlessly unshakable voice.
At press time, a second dissenting voice reported that talking aloud does not indicate healthiness but rather cleanliness, arguing that people who talk to themselves were physically incapable of washing the “dirty, filthy shame” away.
Ricardo Angulo trusts the voice, loves the voice.