How To Talk About Racism To Your White Family But Still Get Your Inheritance

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Holidays are just around the corner, so families will be coming together soon to discuss politics and current events that are dividing a nation. If your family is white, you might feel a responsibility to discuss race with them and hopefully to steer them in a less racist direction. However, you can’t risk being cut off because it’s possible you’ll get the yacht when Mom and Dad die. It’s such a relatable conundrum: How do you talk to your family about racism, but ensure your coveted spot in the will? After all, you put up with their racist bullshit, so you deserve a piece of their golden pie.

Here are some helpful conversation pieces that won’t put your rightfully inherited money at risk:

  1. Donald Trump hates brown people. He should have helped the people in Puerto Rico, but he delayed all action on it and chastised the mayor. That being said, I vote ‘nay’ on going to Puerto Rico on our next family vacation. Maybe someplace safer and whiter like Sweden?
  2. The police disproportionately target black people and that’s wrong. But blue lives matter too, pass me the mayonnaise casserole please.
  3. It kind of makes me uncomfortable that you guys still employ only minorities as help around the house. But obviously you can’t do the housework by yourself, Mother. It would chip your manicure and you have to do something to keep Daddy interested. Hooray for money!
  4. All of my boyfriends have been white. Just want you guys to keep that in mind the next time you finalize your will.
  5. The athletes who are kneeling for the National Anthem are completely in the right, but I would never kneel like that if it were me. I support them, but obviously I salute the flag during the National Anthem and mutter “I will stand” through my patriotically gritted teeth every time I see the colors red and white together.
  6. Can I have money, daddy?! Pwease.
  7. Trump has done some good things I think. You say them first, Dad, and I’ll silently agree with you by tension-nodding until my neck hurts.
  8. I love money.
  9. How much money do you think I’d get when you guys die?
  10. Oh, really, that’s it. Hmm. That’s… not as much as I thought. In that case, I take back that blue lives matter thing.

Stephanie Weber hopes white people everywhere has these tense conversations until their family disowns them in favor of preserving racism. 

Image by mssarakelly.