The Whiskey Journal

Article by: Ross Kelly

     A very minor public relations coup has begun under the heading, “WE ARE MEN WITH AWESOME POWERS.” This is all because a group of warlocks are outraged at being identified as male witches.  It seems that the warlock, or male witch, has no real place in popular culture. You may not have even known what a warlock was before you just read it. But, I can guarantee that when you learned about the warlock, whenever it may have been, it was defined as a male witch.

     In the very first Two sentences on the very short Wikipedia page for “warlock”, the warlock is described as a “male witch” Two times. Conversely, the word “warlock” only appears twice on the impressively lengthy Wikipedia page for “witch”. Adding insult to injury, both references are in the footnotes.

     The Whiskey Journal sat down with Julian Sands, a real life warlock, star of the film series, WARLOCK and male spokeswoman for the movement:

     Sands and I meet up in an apartment building in Harlem that is being restored. He brings me up to the top floor and we enter a townhouse which is completely empty aside from a folding chair and pewter throne. I immediately role my eyes.

WJ: What do you put in your hair to make it look like that?

JS: Is that what you want to talk to a real-life warlock about? His hair?

WJ: What do you mean “real-life”? Why do you have to qualify what you are with “real-life”? If you are a thing, then you are that thing.

JS: Look, I came here to talk to you because I thought I would be taken seriously.

WJ: You are being taken seriously. Very seriously. I apologize if I have offended you. Because this is a real-life newspaper. And I am a real-life reporter.

     At this point, Sands starts to have some sort of seizure, or something, and a few things in the room start to shake. It was really stupid.

WJ: Are you okay?

JS: I am fine. Let’s continue the interview.

WJ: What do you want the world to know about warlocks?

JS: We just the world to understand that we are not male witches. It is unfair that we have to be associated as such. We are warlocks! Witches are male warlocks.

WJ: Isn’t that just as unfair to call a witch a male warlock?

WJ: Nevermind. So what is the difference between witches and warlocks?

JS: Why don’t you tell me what you think the difference is.

WJ: I’m not really sure. I mean, I want to fear, or have sex with, a witch. Warlocks, I feel like I can just make fun of… because they are kind of dorky.

JS: What is dorky about having magical powers? What is dorky about being able to alter reality before one’s very eyes?

     I smile and shake my head and revert to my notes so he can’t see me start to snicker.

WJ: Is there anything a warlock can do that a witch cannot?

JS: Pee standing up.

WJ: Could a witch shapeshift into a male witch and pee standing up?

JS: That would be a warlock and I am leaving!

     Sands gets up from his throne and starts dragging it toward the door. It appears to be very heavy and is making a lot of noise. I can barely contain myself.

WJ: Wait, Julian, please.

     He stops and whips around with a look on his face like he is my teenage daughter trying to leave but irritated because I have to remind her what time to be home and that I love her very much.

WJ: Can witches shapeshift into male witches?

     He leaves with his chair.

    I learned very little that afternoon. In fact, I learned almost nothing, other than male witches are fussy.
 

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