Siri not Available on All Payphones, Homeless Man Pees
Denver, CO — A homeless man could be observed screaming various commands into a payphone yesterday. The commands were all aimed at Siri, the iPhone automated voice control system which allows users, with the push of a button, to give vocal commands to their phone. These commands are then executed without the user having to open applications or find functions within the phone.
Even without an iPhone 4s, or any iPhone at all, you have probably heard of Siri, as Apple did a tremendous job of raising awareness for the feature. It seemed hard to go two hours without seeing Samuel L. Jackson giggling to a robot, Zooey Deschanel trying to get Siri to notice how adorable she is, or John Malkovich laughing at the very beginning of a joke instead of the punchline.
Bologna-Horse Tartarian (pictured above) was apparently not immune to the battery of advertisements. Tartarian spent the better part of yesterday asking and demanding various things of Siri:
- “Siri, call off your dogs.”
- “Siri, start the soup, grandma’s gonna die soon.”
- “Siri, stand for something, Ted Danson’s boogers aren’t going to pick themselves.”
- “Siri, make it bologna rain, I have leg braces on my teeth.”
- “Siri, remind me to wear my underwear on the outside of my pants, it’s Chevy truck awareness month.”
- “Siri, how what is the exchange rate for U.S. dollars to pillow?”
- “Siri, clean my wi-fi, it’s been in my butt all day.”
- “Siri, send me Francis’ contact information, it’s his turn to babysit the Denver Broncos.”
- “Siri, how can I be in Montreal when I am allergic to those kinds of noodles?”
- “Siri, move all of my 2058 appointments back one hour.”
- “Siri, remind me tomorrow to not listen to anything you remind me to do.”
- “Siri, don’t make me switch to a Galaxy ass tree.”
- “Siri, I can’t believe these lawn mowers are that cheap.”
- “Siri, when will the Holemart Channel be on Neckfist?”
- “Siri, don’t you let them use my current location!”
- “Siri, how many feet are in my shoe?”
Tartarian eventually became frustrated with Siri, or the absence thereof. He then put the receiver down the front of his pants and began to urinate while scream-crying Siri’s name at the sky. Tartarian ended the day making several “blog entries” into a broken laptop, fully erect.
Great Reporting by Ross Kelly, @stupidrosskelly on twitter.