The Whiskey Journal

Denver, CO — A homeless man could be observed screaming various commands into a payphone yesterday. The commands were all aimed at Siri, the iPhone automated voice control system which allows users, with the push of a button, to give vocal commands to their phone. These commands are then executed without the user having to open applications or find functions within the phone.

Even without an iPhone 4s, or any iPhone at all, you have probably heard of Siri, as Apple did a tremendous job of raising awareness for the feature. It seemed hard to go two hours without seeing Samuel L. Jackson giggling to a robot, Zooey Deschanel trying to get Siri to notice how adorable she is, or John Malkovich laughing at the very beginning of a joke instead of the punchline.

Bologna-Horse Tartarian (pictured above) was apparently not immune to the battery of advertisements. Tartarian spent the better part of yesterday asking and demanding various things of Siri:

• “Siri, call off your dogs.”
• “Siri, start the soup, grandma’s gonna die soon.”
• “Siri, stand for something, Ted Danson’s boogers aren’t going to pick themselves.”
• “Siri, make it bologna rain, I have leg braces on my teeth.”
• “Siri, remind me to wear my underwear on the outside of my pants, it’s Chevy truck awareness month.”
• “Siri, how what is the exchange rate for U.S. dollars to pillow?”
• “Siri, clean my wi-fi, it’s been in my butt all day.”
• “Siri, send me Francis’ contact information, it’s his turn to babysit the Denver Broncos.”
• “Siri, how can I be in Montreal when I am allergic to those kinds of noodles?”
• “Siri, move all of my 2058 appointments back one hour.”
• “Siri, remind me tomorrow to not listen to anything you remind me to do.”
• “Siri, don’t make me switch to a Galaxy ass tree.”
• “Siri, I can’t believe these lawn mowers are that cheap.”
• “Siri, when will the Holemart Channel be on Neckfist?”
• “Siri, don’t you let them use my current location!”
• “Siri, how many feet are in my shoe?”

Tartarian eventually became frustrated with Siri, or the absence thereof. He then put the receiver down the front of his pants and began to urinate while scream-crying Siri’s name at the sky. Tartarian ended the day making several “blog entries” into a broken laptop, fully erect.

Great Reporting by Ross Kelly, @stupidrosskelly on twitter.

By: Ross Kelly

The almost-40-year-old cable network, now known as TLC, is attempting to make some changes to the English language. The network’s basic claim is that as culture evolves, so does language. And, our resource materials need to reflect that.

TLC began in 1972 as the Appalachian Community Service Network, which it was known as until November 1980, when it took on its current moniker. In its early days, “The channel mostly featured documentary content pertaining to nature, science, history, current events, medicine, technology, cooking, home improvement and other information-based topics.”[1]

And then came A Wedding Story. With the turn of the century, came a downward turn of attention span. Suddenly, The Learning Channel was telling viewers that it was okay to care about what happens when the Lutz family redecorates the Kortworth family’s living room because its learning. After all, it is on The Learning Channel.

Joe Abruzzese, President of Advertising Sales, had this to say:

“If we thought people would be interested in information regarding [the giant squid], that’s what we would program. But learning is changing. Or, rather, what people are willing to accept as learning is changing. As the definition stands, it reads ‘The action of receiving instruction or acquiring knowledge.’ We don’t think that is wrong, but we think it is incomplete. Take our show Toddlers and Tiaras.            I didn’t know how to cope with throwing up in my own mouth while having my thumb firmly planted on my remote, yet completely paralyzed, unable to change the channel, before watching that show. But I learned. Take our show Say Yes to the Dress, which I bet is about learning how to give affirmative answers to various women’s garments. And what about its two spinoffs, Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta, which takes what you’ve learned about saying yes to dresses and then teaches you that being in Atlanta can really turn everything on its ear. And Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss, which actually taught us something. We learned that fat women watch TV, too.

These shows educate people about wedding dresses in a decision-making context. They are ‘doca-mennaries’. Look, we know this is not traditional ‘learning’. But it is on a network called The Learning channel.”

TLC has reached out to the Oxford University Press, which publishes the Oxford English Dictionary, and has been diligently praying at the grave site of Noah Webster. The Oxford University Press has yet to respond to The Learning Channel’s requests to amend the definition. But, according to Abruzzese, the ghost of Noah Webster is, “Into the idea.”

The new definition would read:

learn·ing Noun /ˈlərniNG/

1. The acquisition of knowledge or skills through experience, practice, or study, or by being taught.

2. Anything that is featured on a medium which contains “Learning” in its title. (e.g. Toddlers and Tiaras  is on The Learning Channel tonight. Let’s watch it and learn about it.)

References:
[1] Wikipedia

Follow Ross Kelly on Twitter: @stupidrosskelly

Visit Ross’ website: stupidrosskelly.com

By: Ross Kelly

    A new show, to air sometime this fall, is turning quite a few heads. The group that was previously targeted by the popular NBC television series To Catch A Predator is attempting to flip the script. To Catch A To Catch A Predator targets Chris Hansen and his film crew as they hunt potential sex offenders.
    The show begins in a similar manner; with a chat room conversation. “It’s really funny to watch these infuriated perverted justice volunteers try to talk like a 13-year-old girl,” says one of the To Catch A To Catch A Predator  “Baiters”, who wished to remain nameless. The whole operation begins with the “Baiter”. He enters the chat room and acts like a sexual predator. “I will say something like, ‘lol R u N 2 older men?’ or ‘Can u c my cam? I wanna show u my P-ner.’ If they respond with something like, ‘y don’t u just cum over. my parents r gon for tha summer and i just spillz diet coke all over my keyboard,’ you know you have them in the palm of your hand,” the “Baiter” explains. The meeting is set for Two weeks later in order to get the jump on Chris Hansen and his crew.

    Once the hook is set, so to speak, and a meeting time is established, the rod is passed to the intelligence department, otherwise known as the “Get Insider.” This guy stakes out the location and makes sure Chris Hansen and his crew are involved. He approaches the designated meeting house One week prior to the designated meeting. If he is able to have sex with a minor, they know Chris Hansen was not involved and it is back to the drawing board. If, however, the house is empty, they know it’s time to get their stingers ready. The “Get Insider” sexts headquarters to let them know it’s on.
    “The most important thing is that the To Catch A To Catch A Predator van is there before the To Catch A Predator van,” says Marcus Silly, the To Catch A To Catch A Predator creator and executive producer. “If they get there first, we have to walk away. And then all that work was for nothing,” Silly says.

Pictured: Marcus Silly

    On the day of the meeting, look-outs, or “Peeping Toms”, are set in all directions. “Manpower is no problem. There are always volunteers willing to participate,” claims Silly. When the To Catch A Predator van is spotted, the crew puts their ghillie suits on and gets in place. By this time, they already have a handy cam in the house where Marcus Silly waits for Chris Hansen to arrive.

    Then comes the moment of truth. The To Catch A Predator crew meets the To Catch A To Catch A Predator crew. “What are you doing here, Hansen?”, quips Silly. “Motherfucker,” replies Hansen. Silly lets out a Maria Sharapova-style grunt as he slaps Hansen in the neck. Chris Hansen and his crew make a break for the To Catch A Predator van, which is being rammed by the To Catch A To Catch A Predator van. The camouflaged ghillies awaken and attack the crew. Silly comes flying out of the house, screaming like Jamie Lee Curtis, and slaps Hansen in the neck. It is a bench-clearing brawl. The To Catch A To Catch A Predator crew are seemingly fighting for their lives. The ghillie suits seem to be more of a hinderance now that they are no longer hiding. A couple of them even get their tassels entangled a la The Three Stooges.
    It is not long before the majority of the To Catch A To Catch A Predator guys are on the ground. A couple of them are throwing up. Silly has been chased into the van by Hansen. Just as the To Catch A To Catch A Predator van starts to pull away, leaving Four crew members behind, the police arrive. The van crashes into a tree and the passengers make a brief attempt to flee, but are easily apprehended. Silly tries to bite a police officer and is immediately shot with a taser gun. The crew is hauled away in a paddy wagon and the To Catch A Predator gang calls it a day.
    To Catch A To Catch A Predator is slated to premier September 14, 2011 on the internet around 7pm.

Follow Ross Kelly on Twitter: @stupidrosskelly

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