The Whiskey Journal

By Ross Kelly, @stupidrosskelly on Twitter

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — The Landry family has been pushing for a finished basement for seven years. They say putting drywall and insulation down there would greatly reduce their utility bills. It would also allow them to put a little ambiance around their pool table such as a wet bar and a flat-screen TV with a Nintendo Wii. “This pool table was given to us by my father-in-law three years ago. But it looks terrible sitting in an unfinished basement. I want to be able to relax down there, or have a party, or watch a game,” says Bill Landry, the primary sponsor of the initiative. 

The Landry family’s proposal was stalled twice over the last seven years due to the house expressing concern that “these ‘improvements’ will likely involve compromising the structural integrity of an already unstable foundation.” 

The house agreed to Bill’s renovations Monday on the condition that the house will have the ultimate say on which contractor is used. “I’ve dealt with Bills like this before,” says the house. “What this Bill wants to do is make life more convenient with no consideration for the future of the house.”

(Above: Bill Landry standing with house to be renovated)

Pending the selection of a reputable contractor, the Landry family hopes to begin renovations by mid-May, and have everything completed by the end of June. “This is going to be better for everyone, especially the house. We already have color schemes picked out and everything,” claims Landry.

Ross Kelly is The Whiskey Journal’s foremost authority on government

Read more articles at thewhiskeyjournal.com

             WASHINGTON DC – After securing his win in the Presidential election on Tuesday night, President Barack Obama announced several radical changes that he would be implementing during his second term, including the immediate transition of America into a Communist nation. During his victory speech in Chicago, IL, Chairman Obama outlined his plan for the next four years saying “Comrades, throw down your wallets, we are Communists now. America as you know it is dead – long live America.”

             Commandant Obama revealed other changes that he has planned for his next four years of destroying our way of life: “First, we will be forgiving all student loan debt immediately!” he screamed furiously from the podium. “Next, we will be marching from door to door confiscating all guns, gas-powered SUVs, and Christian Bibles, and replacing them with lentils, electric bicycles, and copies of the Bhagavad Gita! Then everybody gets gay married, whether they like it or not!”

             Said defeated Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney in his concession speech: “See? See? I tried to warn you, but no one would listen! Now, God fearing Capitalists – follow me to the hills!”

              Fuhrer Obama has also made being white illegal, playing baseball a capitol offense, and announced a re-overhaul of his healthcare plan: “We will begin passing out marijuana as treatment for the mandatory abortions as of Thursday morning.”

Warlord Obama, mid-oppressing

Reporting by David Sharp, senior Information Minister of the Glorious Nation of Obamaland

On Twitter: @DavidAndSharp

By Ross Kelly @stupidrosskelly on Twitter

Chicago — For many of us, flatulence is something of which we rarely think. It is a biological function that happens in nearly every organism on earth, and maybe beyond. And, along with not thinking about passing gas, we are also not thinking about what we are releasing into the common air. The city of Chicago, however, is.

According to studies at the University of Chicago, headed by Dr. Harris Ffloyd, with the American diet consisting of ever-increasing amounts of refined and modified foods, flatulence contains a directly-correlative spike harmful gases. “For as long as chemists have been able to identify molecular components, it has been known that the human flatulence contains Nitrogen, Hydrogen, Carbon Dioxide, Oxygen, and Methane,” says Ffloyd. “But, within the last three years, we have seen new elements popping up,” he adds.

These “new elements” to which Dr. Harris refers are Carbon-Monoxide, Sulfur Dichloride, and ethylene. We are all-too familiar with Carbon-Monoxide poisoning. Nearly everyone has detectors for the silent killer, these days, by law. What you probably aren’t familiar with are Sulfur Dichloride and Ethylene. Well, have you ever heard of mustard gas? That’s right, the chemical weapon used in both WWI and WWII. Now, this is not to say that Americans are farting mustard gas. But, it is to say that the American gastrointestinal system is doing things it definitely shouldn’t be doing.

In January of 2008, Illinois passed a smoking ban in public places, requiring smokers to be at least fifteen feet from a public entrance. Now, as a precautionary measure, the city of Chicago has put a ban on releasing these potentially-harmful gases into the air in public places. That’s right, everywhere you cannot smoke, you also cannot pass gas. Public areas are being equipped with elevated platforms, called Flatulation Ramps, on which citizens are encouraged to express their gases.

There are exceptions for medical conditions, however. Diseases, such as Crohn’s disease, colitis, and gastritis, cause an unhealthy build-up of gases in the gastrointestinal system. Citizens of Chicago with such conditions will be excluded from punishment, usually a fine, so long as they are properly identified as having such an illness. The afflicted can see a physician, and, once verified, can report the Cook County clerk and receive an armband (pictured above), which will permit them to be comfortable in public places. The armband is yellow, with a six-pointed anus on it.

Story by Ross Kelly — Senior Chief Health and Medicine Editor, Varsity Squad.

London, England — Dubstep, although having been around since the late nineties, has never been more popular than it is now. It is everywhere we turn our ears, and seems to have hijacked advertising. It’s been in Target commercials, just about every cellphone ad, movie trailers, and some films, themselves. According to the Total Recall remake, Dubstep will be very popular in the future.

And, it’s all about to change. “The whole style of music is about to get flipped upside-down,” says DJ Duty Phree. “Everything you thought you knew about Dubstep is gonna to change with the fourth button. Before, there were just the three buttons. There was the Play button. And, there was the Stop button. And, then, there was the one that made it go ‘wahwahwah wah wahwahwahwah.’ Oh, and the knob. And now, this dude is going to make a button that is going to do a fourth thing,” he adds.

No one within the community seems to really have a stranglehold on what function the fourth button will exactly have. It has ignited a twitter war, however, among already-feuding Dubstepsters, DJ Duty Phree and DJ Booty Free Shoppe.

Dubstep purists are fighting the movement, saying that existing music should only be altered using three buttons and the knob. They are afraid that the new four-button music will still exist under the same Dubstep umbrella, and there will be no delineation for the style. “It’s just gonna be a free-for-all wit no disternimble sound. Right now, you can be like, ‘Yup. Three buttons. That’s Dubstep.’ But, now they wanna be like … I don’t know,” argues DialTone, a self-proclaimed Dubstep pioneer.

There are those who believe the button will be something completely new, while others are certain it will merely alter the existing buttons. Others, still, don’t want any part of a Dubstep facelift. They can all agree, however, that the face and sound of Dubstep is never going to be the same once the guy who thought of the idea to have a fourth button to push decides what the button should do.

Reporting by Ross Kelly — Senior “Entertainment” Correspondent.     Follow @stupidrosskelly on twitter                                                 

Denver, CO — A homeless man could be observed screaming various commands into a payphone yesterday. The commands were all aimed at Siri, the iPhone automated voice control system which allows users, with the push of a button, to give vocal commands to their phone. These commands are then executed without the user having to open applications or find functions within the phone.

Even without an iPhone 4s, or any iPhone at all, you have probably heard of Siri, as Apple did a tremendous job of raising awareness for the feature. It seemed hard to go two hours without seeing Samuel L. Jackson giggling to a robot, Zooey Deschanel trying to get Siri to notice how adorable she is, or John Malkovich laughing at the very beginning of a joke instead of the punchline.

Bologna-Horse Tartarian (pictured above) was apparently not immune to the battery of advertisements. Tartarian spent the better part of yesterday asking and demanding various things of Siri:

• “Siri, call off your dogs.”
• “Siri, start the soup, grandma’s gonna die soon.”
• “Siri, stand for something, Ted Danson’s boogers aren’t going to pick themselves.”
• “Siri, make it bologna rain, I have leg braces on my teeth.”
• “Siri, remind me to wear my underwear on the outside of my pants, it’s Chevy truck awareness month.”
• “Siri, how what is the exchange rate for U.S. dollars to pillow?”
• “Siri, clean my wi-fi, it’s been in my butt all day.”
• “Siri, send me Francis’ contact information, it’s his turn to babysit the Denver Broncos.”
• “Siri, how can I be in Montreal when I am allergic to those kinds of noodles?”
• “Siri, move all of my 2058 appointments back one hour.”
• “Siri, remind me tomorrow to not listen to anything you remind me to do.”
• “Siri, don’t make me switch to a Galaxy ass tree.”
• “Siri, I can’t believe these lawn mowers are that cheap.”
• “Siri, when will the Holemart Channel be on Neckfist?”
• “Siri, don’t you let them use my current location!”
• “Siri, how many feet are in my shoe?”

Tartarian eventually became frustrated with Siri, or the absence thereof. He then put the receiver down the front of his pants and began to urinate while scream-crying Siri’s name at the sky. Tartarian ended the day making several “blog entries” into a broken laptop, fully erect.

Great Reporting by Ross Kelly, @stupidrosskelly on twitter.

By Ross Kelly, @stupidrosskelly on Twitter

Destin, FL — Meet Markus Ruhl. He is, as you can probably see, a bodybuilder. And, Markus has a problem that may seem funny to you and me. About two years ago, he began to have problems not breaking things that he handled. I spent the day with Markus, as he guided me through a day in his life, being too strong for almost everything.

I arrive at Markus’ house around 8am, just as he is getting out of the shower. His caretaker greets me at the front door. You are probably wondering why someone supposedly in peak physical health would have a caretaker. “Well, there are many tasks that Markus simply cannot handle,” she explains just as we hear a crash come from the bathroom. As it turns out Markus has just pulled his towel off of the shower curtain rod, which yanked the newly-riveted bar out of the wall. We can hear Markus swearing in German from the living room, and the caretaker gives a sympathetic look.

A few minutes later, Markus emerges from the hallway in a T-shirt that appears to be five sizes too small and a pair of cargo shorts that cling to his calves like a snake swallowing a rat. In his hands, he has three more T-shirts and a broken cellphone. He stuffs the shirts into his cargo pockets and hands the phone to the caretaker, to which she replies, “An early one today, huh?” Markus timidly looks at his belt buckle and says quietly, “Yeah.”

Markus has some errands to run and I see this as a good opportunity to get an idea of what everyday life is like for him. So, I offer to take him in my car. When he opens the door, the handle comes off with little, or no, effort. “Eureka!” I say to myself. My immediate goal is now to get him to break as many things as possible in the day; for the sake of journalism. After all, it is The Whiskey Journal’s car, and I don’t have to pay for anything.

I encourage Markus to get behind the wheel, something he hasn’t done in over a year. I can tell he is embarrassed, and I can barely contain my elation. After twenty minutes of convincing, Markus opens the passenger door to exit the vehicle. The handle breaks right off in his seemingly tiny fingers, compared to the rest of his arms. I mask my laughter as a series of sneezes. I decide, then and there, that this will be my M.O.

Markus gets into the driver’s seat, the door to which I left open. I am giddy, sitting next to him, for disaster is surely eminent. And, like a promised and delivered birthday blowjob, he reaches for the rear-view mirror. Not only does it melt off of the windshield, it does so in three pieces. I cannot hide my laughter, so I fake a sneeze into my arm. I ask him about the shirts in his pocket. He starts to answer as he reaches for the seat belt, but is interrupted by a long ripping noise, which leaves the entire right side of his torso bare. It is as though the Incredible Hulk is getting even angrier and turning into the Ridiculously Incredibler Hulk. We briefly make eye contact before I have to excuse myself from the car as I am attacked by the longest sneeze attack of my life.

As I pull myself together, and get up from his lawn, I have never been so happy that a day was just beginning. I get back in the car and apologize for my weak state. Markus seems concerned, and I assure him I am ready for the rest of the day. Luckily, the ignition was still on from when I was in the driver’s seat. So, Markus signals to pull out into traffic, and breaks the turn signal lever clean off. I ask him if he has any cats, I am allergic.

In one fell swoop, Markus dismantles the steering wheel, like a judo champion disarming an attacker, and mis-steps on the brake, which deploys the airbags. And, in turn, Northstar deploys the paramedics. Just like in The Blind Side, starring Sandra Bullock, Markus tries to push me out of the way of the airbag. I end up with two broken bones in my arm, a fractured rib and whiplash.

That would be the end of my day with Markus. I had to spend the rest of the day in the hospital, and both of us had previous engagements that wouldn’t match up for the rest of the week. But, Markus invited me to spend another day with him the first week of November, when he will be making appearances at a GNC and a petting zoo. Look for part II of this article then.

Ross Kelly has been considering getting back into competitive bodybuilding.

Recently, The Onion, a print and online satirical newspaper satire, has had some of their articles confused for real satirical news articles, as opposed to the satires of satirical news stories that they are. The mistake is understandable, as articles with titles such as “Defense Department Boosts Funding for $15 Billion Puppycrusher” and “US Drug Czar Announces: ‘I’m Higher Than Hell Right Now” could easily be seen by those unfamiliar with the multi-billion dollar satire industry as satires of newspaper headlines, but these are definitively satires of satirical newspaper articles.

            “I think it’s quite obvious,” telegrammed Onion Editor-In-Chief T. Herman Zwiebel, “That our mission is to lampoon the world of real news satires, such as “The Weekly World News,” “The Daily Show,” and the Fox News empire and their vast array of humorous newspapers, television, and online offerings. The fact that one could actually mistake us as operating on a single level of irony is a complement to our writing staff and the subtle, precise nature of their commentary on commentary on commentary.”

            Rupert Murdoch, Baron of the News Corporation satirical news network, could not be reached for comment as of press time, due to his awaiting trial in the Hague for war crimes against nature.

Written by David Sharp, Media Commentary Commentator

Twitter: @DavidAndSharp

Suing in America has become incredibly common-place and increasingly frivolous. It has been blamed mainly on the lurking recession and that Americans simply do not have the work ethic they did a hundred years ago. “People are just looking for an easy way to make money,” says economist, Monique Blanque.

According to a 2010 study conducted by Blanque, and seven other economists, at the University of Wisconsin - Madison, civil litigation pulls 2% away from the Gross National Product (GNP) every year. “It doesn’t sound like a whole lot, but I estimate 1% of the GNP represents 1.2 million jobs. These lawsuits are consuming 2.4 million jobs, annually,” Blanque adds.

So, Blanque and her colleagues set out to come up with a solution. And what they came up with is a sort of fast-food court system to be held, literally, on the streets. Cities will be outfitted with kiosks (pictured, right) on the street where most discrepancies will be able to be settled within ten minutes. “Things such as medical malpractice and major class-action lawsuits against Netflix would still have to go through the main court system, already in place, but suppose someone steps on the back of your shoe while you are crossing the street and scuffs the back of it. You will be able to sue that person for the cost of the cleaning product and the time it will take you to clean the shoe,” says Blanque.

One city will be chosen to beta test the program via a reality show, which will air on the G4 network in spring 2013. Cities were chosen for the reality show based on an essay contest in which 4th graders from around the country were asked to submit a thirty-page bound program, outlining why their city is the best candidate.

The cities chosen for the program are as follows: San Francisco, CA, Columbus, OH, Washington D.C., Las Vegas, NV, Newark, NJ, Yonkers, NY, Little Rock, AR, Providence, RI, Orlando FL, Buffalo, NY, New Orleans, LA, and Birmingham, AL. Meanwhile, the cities of Houston, Sacramento, Baton Rouge, Trenton, Madison, Los Angeles, and Dallas are filing a class-action law suit against the show’s creators for their “unlawful exclusion.”

“I think it’s totally awesome. The judge-system in ‘Merica is so fucked. Get’em in and out and get your money,” says Andy Burd of Brownsville, TX.

“I know, right?” says Shaley Breck of Bakersfield, CA.

“I had this guy the other day and who asked me for directions to the post office and I didn’t know and I missed my bus like a half-hour later and I got fired ‘cause it was my third time this week being late. Well, that’s what my boss says, ennyways, but that clock is wrong. I get my time from my cellphone and that shit comes from space and shit. So, I wanna sue that guy for like at least five years of pay for he lost me my job. You shouldn’t be stoppin’ people askin’em for directions if you don’t know where the fuck you’re goin’. They could lose their job,” says A.J. Browning of Hickory, NC.

“I think it’s a horrible idea. We tried public phones on the street, and where are all of those, now?,” argues Brittany Mertz of Modesto, CA.

Blanque has high hopes for her program. She even has plans for a mobile version of the Quick-Sue kiosk (pictured below), ready to be unveiled, pending the success of the beta testing.

Reporting by Ross Kelly, the cute one, @stupidrosskelly on twitter

As a consumer, you may have noticed that you have to use more money to get things than you used to. Something that used to cost $2.50 now costs $12.30. This has proven to be a thorn for shoppers for years. But, it has been especially frustrating in the last couple of months, as things are the most expensive that they have ever been. The phenomenon has people and older children absolutely up in arms.

“When will the things I want to buy stop going up? When they do stop getting more expensive, will they go back down? Am I praying to the wrong patron saint? Does this have anything to do with global warming? Can I buy a bunch of stuff now and hang on to it and then return it in a couple of months when it is more expensive for people to buy those things and make a living that way?”

These are just some of the questions Sgt. Mark Bruent, of the Wichita P.D. (pictured above), has about the prices of things going up so much. And, he is not alone. In fact, at the Dillons grocery store, where we caught up with Sgt. Bruent, a small crowd formed, adding “Yeahs” as he rattled off his questions.

Unfortunately for Sgt. Bruent and his band of shoppers, no one has been able to nail down any answers to their questions. Monsanto and Kellogg’s have both been working on a solution for months now, but have made no progress. Dr. Aishwarya Bhatnagar, who is widely known for improving the length of time Crispix stays crunchy post milk submersion, is a lead scientist at Kellogg’s new Cost Going Up Study. She had this to say:

Dr. Aishwarya Bhatnagar

“In order to find a solution to a problem, you first have to identify the problem. And, we just have no idea what the problem is. Test, after test, after test, after test is simply inconclusive. Our fear is that science has simply met its match, and, eventually, prices will just get so high, we won’t even be able to test them anymore.”

Another related issue that has everyone baffled is whether, or not, this problem is exclusively an American problem. But, again, advancements in our society leave us answer-less. Language barriers and differences in money counting across the globe prevents scholars from measuring cost differences over time in other countries.

So, until prices drop for some reason, or another, Americans will just have to dig deeper and deeper into their pockets to pay the things they need, and want, to have.

- by Ross Kelly, Consumer Reporter

Follow Ross on twitter: @stupidrosskelly

Watch trailer here

In 2004, just the day after Christmas, an undersea megathrust earthquake occurred off the West coast of Indonesia, causing a tsunami that would go down as one of the deadliest natural disasters in recorded history. The earthquake lasted 10 minutes, the longest ever recorded, and registered a third-highest 9.3 on the Richter Scale. The resulting tsunami had waves almost 100-feet high, killed an estimated 230,000 people, injured an additional 125,000 more, and displaced 1.7 million.

Reading these statistics, and knowing that Southeast Asia is a burgeoning vacation spot, your thoughts and concerns must immediately turn to all of the innocent white people who decided to celebrate the birth of Christ in Indonesia. Well, there is good news. The people who brought you The Orphanage (2007) have completed The Impossible, set to be in theaters this Christmas.

The Impossible is the story of an innocent European family who, while trying to enjoy a nice day in the sun at their lavish resort pool, is made a casualty of Southeast Asia’s punishment. The family is separated by the waves, as well as the confusion, both from their Mai Tais and each other.

Amid the confusion and anguish, the European family is able to help save and reunite other desperate white families while receiving help from the peripheral natives (which is only fair, considering the family chose to vacation over the holidays and spend their money in a country whose economy is in desperate need of European help, and then couldn’t be adequately protected from the natural disaster for which they were clearly over-due).

Without giving too much away, and I’m sure this won’t surprise you too much, there is a happy ending. The final scene of the trailer shows the family together in a plane, flying over the devastated ex-vacation spot, inhabited by ex-employees. They must have been thinking, “Man, it must suck to live there.” In fact, if I had written the script, I would have had Ewan McGregor look directly into the camera and say, “It’s nice to visit there, but I wouldn’t want to live there.” Then everyone on the plane, even the pilots would all laugh. And, freeze-frame, roll credits.

Reporting by 1st-Runner-Up Assistant Chief Entertainment Guy - Ross Kelly

Follow @stupidrosskelly on Twitter