The Whiskey Journal

Denver, CO — A homeless man could be observed screaming various commands into a payphone yesterday. The commands were all aimed at Siri, the iPhone automated voice control system which allows users, with the push of a button, to give vocal commands to their phone. These commands are then executed without the user having to open applications or find functions within the phone.

Even without an iPhone 4s, or any iPhone at all, you have probably heard of Siri, as Apple did a tremendous job of raising awareness for the feature. It seemed hard to go two hours without seeing Samuel L. Jackson giggling to a robot, Zooey Deschanel trying to get Siri to notice how adorable she is, or John Malkovich laughing at the very beginning of a joke instead of the punchline.

Bologna-Horse Tartarian (pictured above) was apparently not immune to the battery of advertisements. Tartarian spent the better part of yesterday asking and demanding various things of Siri:

• “Siri, call off your dogs.”
• “Siri, start the soup, grandma’s gonna die soon.”
• “Siri, stand for something, Ted Danson’s boogers aren’t going to pick themselves.”
• “Siri, make it bologna rain, I have leg braces on my teeth.”
• “Siri, remind me to wear my underwear on the outside of my pants, it’s Chevy truck awareness month.”
• “Siri, how what is the exchange rate for U.S. dollars to pillow?”
• “Siri, clean my wi-fi, it’s been in my butt all day.”
• “Siri, send me Francis’ contact information, it’s his turn to babysit the Denver Broncos.”
• “Siri, how can I be in Montreal when I am allergic to those kinds of noodles?”
• “Siri, move all of my 2058 appointments back one hour.”
• “Siri, remind me tomorrow to not listen to anything you remind me to do.”
• “Siri, don’t make me switch to a Galaxy ass tree.”
• “Siri, I can’t believe these lawn mowers are that cheap.”
• “Siri, when will the Holemart Channel be on Neckfist?”
• “Siri, don’t you let them use my current location!”
• “Siri, how many feet are in my shoe?”

Tartarian eventually became frustrated with Siri, or the absence thereof. He then put the receiver down the front of his pants and began to urinate while scream-crying Siri’s name at the sky. Tartarian ended the day making several “blog entries” into a broken laptop, fully erect.

Great Reporting by Ross Kelly, @stupidrosskelly on twitter.

By: Ross Kelly

The almost-40-year-old cable network, now known as TLC, is attempting to make some changes to the English language. The network’s basic claim is that as culture evolves, so does language. And, our resource materials need to reflect that.

TLC began in 1972 as the Appalachian Community Service Network, which it was known as until November 1980, when it took on its current moniker. In its early days, “The channel mostly featured documentary content pertaining to nature, science, history, current events, medicine, technology, cooking, home improvement and other information-based topics.”[1]

And then came A Wedding Story. With the turn of the century, came a downward turn of attention span. Suddenly, The Learning Channel was telling viewers that it was okay to care about what happens when the Lutz family redecorates the Kortworth family’s living room because its learning. After all, it is on The Learning Channel.

Joe Abruzzese, President of Advertising Sales, had this to say:

“If we thought people would be interested in information regarding [the giant squid], that’s what we would program. But learning is changing. Or, rather, what people are willing to accept as learning is changing. As the definition stands, it reads ‘The action of receiving instruction or acquiring knowledge.’ We don’t think that is wrong, but we think it is incomplete. Take our show Toddlers and Tiaras.            I didn’t know how to cope with throwing up in my own mouth while having my thumb firmly planted on my remote, yet completely paralyzed, unable to change the channel, before watching that show. But I learned. Take our show Say Yes to the Dress, which I bet is about learning how to give affirmative answers to various women’s garments. And what about its two spinoffs, Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta, which takes what you’ve learned about saying yes to dresses and then teaches you that being in Atlanta can really turn everything on its ear. And Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss, which actually taught us something. We learned that fat women watch TV, too.

These shows educate people about wedding dresses in a decision-making context. They are ‘doca-mennaries’. Look, we know this is not traditional ‘learning’. But it is on a network called The Learning channel.”

TLC has reached out to the Oxford University Press, which publishes the Oxford English Dictionary, and has been diligently praying at the grave site of Noah Webster. The Oxford University Press has yet to respond to The Learning Channel’s requests to amend the definition. But, according to Abruzzese, the ghost of Noah Webster is, “Into the idea.”

The new definition would read:

learn·ing Noun /ˈlərniNG/

1. The acquisition of knowledge or skills through experience, practice, or study, or by being taught.

2. Anything that is featured on a medium which contains “Learning” in its title. (e.g. Toddlers and Tiaras  is on The Learning Channel tonight. Let’s watch it and learn about it.)

References:
[1] Wikipedia

Follow Ross Kelly on Twitter: @stupidrosskelly

Visit Ross’ website: stupidrosskelly.com