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Ophthalmologists Recommend Rubbing Eye Until Thing In There Just Sort Of...

SAN FRANCISCO — The American Academy of Ophthalmology released a public-health statement today advising anyone with something in their eye to just rub it...

Reptilian Overlords Have Feelings Too

THE BODIES OF OUR LEADERS -- This past week top scientists revealed groundbreaking research indicating that even the world's most cruel and power-hungry reptilian...

Scientists Abandon Scientific Method: ‘It’s Just Too Hard’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a press conference at the Smithsonian Institution, a spokesperson for science announced Tuesday that they would no longer be using...

Scientists Abandon Scientific Method: ‘It’s Just Too Hard’

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a press conference at the Smithsonian Institution, a spokesperson for science announced Thursday that they would no longer be using...

Pluto Relegated To Lesser Character Status

ORLANDO, Fla. — A spokesperson for The EPCOT Center announced Wednesday that they have determined Pluto to not have enough qualities to officially be...

4 Week-Old Fetus’ Fingerprints Linked to Murder, Pro-Lifers Demanding Death Penalty

Salt Lake City — Detectives working a murder, which was previously categorized as a cold case, caught a break Tuesday, when fingerprints surrounding the...

Man Invites Woman Over To Actually Just Watch Movie

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what scientists are calling a first ever of its kind, a man invited a woman over to watch a movie...

Broken Snow Globe Prompts Retiree to Rethink Position on Global Warming

Cletus Jenkins, a self-described “libertarian through and through” has long harbored a deep suspicion of climate change, which he used to call “socialist weather...

US Government Releases Updated Worst List

WASHINGTON D.C. -- The Department of Worsts and Means has released their 2012 update to The Worst List, with several notable new inclusions. Added...

Curiosity Returns First Images of Mars: John Carter Nailed It

MARS -- The first photos from Mars rover curiosity have come back, and NASA is reporting that the 2011 Disney film “John Carter” “Totally...
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