Study: You’re Still Nobody When Somebody Loves You

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — A report released today from the Brookings Institute confirmed that you are still nobody even when somebody loves you.

“Contrary to popular belief, receiving the love of another human being does not deny that fact that you are a nobody and alone in the universe,” said head researcher Dr. Alan Reynolds, who added that you’re also a nobody even when somebody cares.

Several independent studies were cited in the report demonstrating how feeling the affection from someone you love has no bearing on your meaningless individual existence, which pales against the backdrop of infinite time and space as sure as the stars shine above. Further, one chapter showed how this empty world is the same for everyone, and you are never going to change it.

“So, find yourself somebody to love, but know that you’ll still be a nonentity,” the report stated.

The study was reportedly peer reviewed and deemed a real kick in the head.

Tommy Molzahn is real excited for the weekend.

Image by DARA